If You're Going Through Hell

[KarenK]

Marg, glad to hear the new BP med is working. For the most part, my BP is ok but still tanks sometime. I know when to stand up and when not to.

Have never been to a class reunion and doubt I would go to one at this late date. It would be interesting to see how we all fared in life though. I'm sure many of my friends were lost in Vietnam. My drawback would be lack of teeth. On rare occasions when I leave the house, I'm saved by the mask. Don't even know if the dentures still fit right anyway.  lol

If it weren't for the guys, I probably wouldn't cook. It would be Stouffers and take out, a well balanced diet.

Take care

[kayc]

Marg, I would like to see the "kids" from my class reunion, ha we all have grey hair by now and wrinkles!  But living out of town and no one to watch Kodie I don't want to leave him alone that long, plus whatever they eat/drink isn't something I can have.  I'm not a kid anymore.  I don't drink and don't feel like paying out the big bucks for a dinner/drinks I can't have.  I have gotten to know some of them on FB and enjoy that.  I probably won't ever see them again.  It seems once we graduate, our lives all go    different ways, it was kind of poignant realizing that when I graduated.  Our 50 year reunion was canceled because of Covid 1 1/2 years ago.  Again canceled last summer.

Your little girl is growing up!  I'm glad she has a good friend and someday she'll have a beau even if he's not that now.  They're young.

My MIL and mom both had Ensure, not sure it was good for my mom as she was Diabetic but she didn't have it until her dementia was severe/stage IV and she was no longer eating.  I guess it's beyond mattering at that point.  She died not too long after.  She was between 60 and 70 lbs at that point, she had been a little over 100 before.

Yes, we do have to take care of ourselves, and do what is best for us.

[kayc]

13 hours ago, KarenK said:

My drawback would be lack of teeth. On rare occasions when I leave the house, I'm saved by the mask.

You could always wear the mask at a class reunion.  By this age I doubt any of them care about lack of teeth, they have their beer bellies, loss of hair, have been through cancer, losses, divorce, you name it too, life takes it's toll on all of us.  Very few travel, cruise, we know the ones, they're all over FB...but it doesn't tell the whole story.   My little sister is one, she's traveled the world, every year goes somewhere exotic (before Covid, now it's in the US), but the pictures don't show her baby born without a brain and the loss of her two years later, it doesn't show her adjustment to her gay daughter's wedding or what she's been through with her son's mental issues, drinking problem, arrest, even though he's brilliant and works for Microsoft, it doesn't show her marriage being on the rocks years ago, thankfully they pulled through, it only shows her gorgeous home and unbelievable yard and the exotic trips they've taken, the parties they've thrown.  I know her through and through.  My life has been eventful too but without the exotic in it.

 

[Gwenivere]

Reunions were never something I was interested in.  There wasn’t really being 'popular' in school until I got to high school.  Had 8 years in my first catholic school and that was the same kids just growing up together.  Changing to another school the next 4 years was cliques of new people and a lot of mean teenagers. I was also very tall so they go after any difference.  Only had one friend.  I got an excellent education, but mentally it cost a lot.  I kinda wanted to go to my 10th just because all the popular girls married, had kids and lost that fleeting fame.  I had become very successful and blossomed.  It was an ego thing.  I had left high school early tho for an accelerated college program so never got the invite.  Now I could care less about any of them.  At this age I don’t need to be around old people.  It’s hard enough being one myself.  Probably lots of talk of maladies and families. Not being popular or being in any groups, I wouldn’t know 99% of them anyway.  I barely remember any first names.  Grades 1-8 were so much better.   All I know, too, is I’d never want to relive a day of it.  

[Widow2015]

I think I went to at least two of my high school reunions, the 25th and the 45th if my memory isn't playing tricks on me.  It was fun but only because I got to see my small group of friends that were my little "clique".   I still am part of an email group that keeps updates on mini reunions and obituaries of classmates.   In October, the 80th Birthday celebration took place for all who could attend.  I haven't attended any of the mini reunions since I wouldn't want to travel that far.  New Orleans, like all cities has changed.  I wouldn't know how to get around the city anymore.  I enjoy seeing  the photos of those who do attend.   I recognize some names and faces and many I hardly remember so I have to look them up in the annual.

At times, I would like to relive my high school days only because I would do it all so different.  Dee

[KarenK]

Dee, ESP is in the air! I was just thinking of you and wondering how you're getting along in your new home in the beautiful forest.

I often think of my cowgirl days in Wyoming as the perfect time to return to and start life over. I hope I would do a lot of things differently and a whole lot smarter.  lol

[Widow2015]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

Dee, ESP is in the air! I was just thinking of you and wondering how you're getting along in your new home in the beautiful forest.

Karen:  Thanks for ESP'ing.   I think I'm getting used to my new routine.  I do enjoy the quiet.  My house in town backed up to a busy street so I would sometimes hear annoying street noises there.  I have the responsibility of picking up my grand daughter after she is dropped off the school bus.  The bus drops her off at the end of a gravel road about a 1/4 mile away from my son's house.  As I drive she helps me keep an eye out for the 3 deer that sometimes are scouting for apples off the neighbor's apple tree.  

I understand your memory taking you back to a time when you were  young.   Your cowgirl days as I recall were good times.  Life was so simple when we were young and eager to face the world.  My high school days, not so much.   I chose to "Go Steady", (a term not used anymore).  Going Steady meant I missed out on opportunities of other dates and activities my junior and senior year and most importantly, learning who I was or wanted to be.   I was too young and inexperienced to know some people could lie to your face.  Now, I wished the steady boyfriend had been at one of the reunions I attended so I could thank him for eventually breaking up with me.  Once that happened, I had  an opportunity to leave New Orleans and meet my husband.  Funny how things happen. Dee

 

[kayc]

II wish you the best Dee with this new arrangement, I know it's an adjustment, no matter how good.  I could have seen myself living in an RV on my son's former place, but not the very remote place he lives now, it's truly in the middle of nowhere, devastation from fires surrounding his property.  I can't picture it.  I liked Aumsville, but Lyons burned down, sparing his place and maybe a handful of others, that's it.

18 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Now, I wished the steady boyfriend had been at one of the reunions I attended so I could thank him for eventually breaking up with me.

  I get it.  I'm actually FB friends with my former BF, he's very nice, he's been married forever to a wonderful woman, they raised six kids (three his, three hers), he'd been divorced, she widowed, our lives have paralleled each others so we can relate, we were both raised Nazarene and ended up Baptist, both lead morning worship in our churches, both long term marriages to an Italian, etc.  Kind of funny.  I don't recall breaking up with him but that's how he viewed it, he enlisted in the Marines without discussing with me beforehand so I thought that was it, I figured if I was his he would have talked to me beforehand, wasn't meant to be I guess.  But a good guy nonetheless.  I'd have definitely been better off with him than the guy I married the first time, ugh!

[Widow2015]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

II wish you the best Dee with this new arrangement, I know it's an adjustment, no matter how good.  I could have seen myself living in an RV on my son's former place, but not the very remote place he lives 

  I get it.  I'm actually FB friends with my former BF, he's very nice, 

kayc: You have a big forgiving heart.  When my husband moved my Mother to the Northwest, the BF helped my husband load the U Haul.  That would have been my chance to contact him, but chose to ignore it.  Not sure why I didn't at least email a thank you.   I think I couldn't forgive due to the way the  breakup happened.  We were not meant to be for many reasons or I wouldn't have met  my Bob two years later in Tacoma. 

Thank you for wishing me well in my new home.  I am still lonely a lot of the time but I feel secure in the quietness.  My son's job keeps gone long days but my grand daughter's mother works from home just a few steps away.  I feel as well off here as I did in my old neighborhood and I get to see my 2 grandchildren so much more.  I figure if I can't reach anyone by phone in an emergency than it is my time to leave this world.  My son has stated he likes knowing I am here. 

You never know what is down the road for you, Kay.  Just One Day at a Time. Dee

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

I think I couldn't forgive due to the way the  breakup happened.

Ahh, well when Louis and I split up it was probably more me pulling back, he never did anything to hurt me, nor would have, although I felt if people were a couple they should talk about things.  I was too young anyway, 15 to his 18.  BUT when Jim broke up with me by Fed Ex (we were engaged for a year) that was shocking!  Esp. since he sent his note to my OFFICE not at home, which I took as a passive/aggressive action.  He's aspergers which is very non-confrontational so I understood the FedEx but even Aspies shouldn't break up that way.  Just common respect dictates a discussion!  We had no contact for months but then became friends.  He actually took me to my eye surgery and stayed until I could see again, I really appreciated it, who else would do that!  And during the fire evacuation this year, he offered for Kodie and I to come stay there, his XW has lived with him the last few years and his house is small, so I felt more comfortable going to my daughter's but still I thought it was sweet.  I went to visit them during that time.  

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

You never know what is down the road for you, Kay.  Just One Day at a Time. Dee

True, but I truly can't picture living in close proximity to my DIL, would just as soon pass on!  Maybe a senior apt. someday when I'm too told to manage here.  But I know some who have been here until 90s!  As long as I can still drive...I hire more done increasingly...

I'm glad you get to see your grandkids, that's one thing I miss about my son living so far...well, that and I miss HIM!

[Widow2015]

18 hours ago, kayc said:

But I know some who have been here until 90s!  As long as I can still drive...I hire more done increasingly...

kayc: I have a sense you will be living in your little home until your 90's.  You seem to have survived so much in your life already.  Living in your close, small town has the advantage of knowing your neighbors will assist when needed. 

So sorry about your DIL relationship.  That has to be so painful for you.  

I wholeheartedly agree being able to drive is the key to being independent.  Even though I am still driving, I am not convinced I will be able to drive safely much longer unless my macular degeneration treatments and possible cataract surgery helps improve my vision.  Keeping my fingers crossed the January appointment with a cataract specialist will recommend surgery.  Dee

 

[kayc]

Dee, I have every high hope for you, you didn't let the mac. degen. go for over five years like my sister did.  Between surgery and treatments, it should prove amazing results for you.

[Margm]

I figure I live in a sort of assisted living apartment.  If I need help, there is someone to give it.  One time I was getting my groceries in, turned around and my upstairs neighbor had brought all the rest in.  I have a basket on wheels I take my trash out and pick up my sisters too.  

I watch old western series on the Encore channel in the afternoon, about 4-5 of them.  I just saw The Virginian and saw it starred Aldo Ray.  I had loved him in old movies and I just started crying a lot.  Okay, that is my time for today.  

My granddaughter is in town.  She is at my son's house (and Kelli's).  Kelli has a dog and a cat and I have never smelled the catbox in her house.  My granddaughter brought two cats and a dog with her. (cats not trained).  Catbox, but use the floor mostly, my daughter is a good housekeeper.  Kelli keeps her animals in her room.  We have been having a lot of drama.  It was a bad divorce and the kids were taken to California, new husband an officer in the AF.  He was jealous of all of us and if Scott came to see the kids, he couldn't without a fight, physical.  My son gave up.  They didn't want us talking to them either and we had no "rights" or money to go to California.  We grew apart and it hurt like someone had taken our own kids away.  We were very "hands on" grandparents.  All water under the bridge now but I cannot feel close.  She (granddaughter) has her problems, two former husbands, enough said.  I think when Billy repeated "I am you and you are me" I just never knew how to handle the person that is me, the one left.  I still get the weird feeling when I have to get out of bed in the morning, have not started wetting the bed yet, but I just have the feeling "well, I'm alive, now what."  

Pandemic got me down (I'm not sick), holiday got me down, not knowing who I am also got me down.  

[KarenK]

Marg, drama like that you don't need for sure! Unfortunately, I can relate. Is this Scott's daughter then? If so, I'm glad he's getting to see her, but she should have left the cats at home.

I cut my teeth on westerns, have probably seen them all. I loved James Drury as "The Virginian" and just plain loved Ben Johnson. Both are gone, of course. Have met a few of the actors at "western" events here, the nicest being Clint Walker(Cheyenne), who passed in 2018. Of course, John Wayne was king in this household.

Gave myself a Xmas present of a haircut today. Looks so much better. Now if I only had teeth.........

[Margm]

I have had many years to get used to dentures.  They wanted me to pay $9000 for screw-in teeth.  The antibiotics would kill me, and it would be necessary.  Also, the things that fit over the screws is just denture material.  I had an upper plate at 19.  My teeth were bad forever.  I remember walking from school to the dentist thinking a truant officer was going to get me.  Kids now do not even know what that is, but they know what rapists, kidnappers, and people with guns are.  They know that they are not safe for some ungodly reason.  Then in my 50's I had my lower teeth removed.  My top teeth had little tumors that ate the roots, was sent for biopsy but were not malignant.  In 1961, I don't think they were too medical savvy since in 1962, Scott was 10 days late, by dates, they brought on labor with castor oil and orange juice.  Billy was emptying bedpans a week before our first anniversary.  

And hair..........well, the cancer was not on my head, but one side effect of the radiation was I had the choice of being one of the cute little women with tight white curls and pink scalp.  I like wigs.  The things that were done took a lot away from me, but I was able to keep it covered.  Well, that was a lot of useless information.  

Believe me, I do not envy toothaches.  You definitely have my sympathy.  But, I'm going to need the cataract surgery too.

[KarenK]

Had to laugh at that one😋 I had induced labor in 1964 and it sure wasn't castor oil and orange juice.

[Margm]

I live again in that "small" country town.  11,000 to 12,000.  It is about 30+ miles from where I was born and graduated. Same parish (county).   It is parish seat.  I still have the memories of pulling Scott all over town in his big red wagon my mom and dad bought him when he was born.  Didn't have a baby buggy, but he was about 2-3 when I was pulling him.  You felt safe then.  Billy's home was about three miles down the road.  Of course, something is missing. 

[KarenK]

Funny how we remember the things from so long ago, but can't remember yesterday. I'm sure that means we're old.

I remember being 17 and ill prepared to deliver a baby. My doctor was late for a golf date and just wanted it finished. He told his assistant to make sure he sewed me up right so he wouldn't have to do it again. Sure made me feel important,NOT. What a crazy thing to remember!

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

They wanted me to pay $9000 for screw-in teeth.  The antibiotics would kill me, and it would be necessary.  Also, the things that fit over the screws is just denture material. 

My friend paid for an implant and her body rejected it.  She ended up also having to pay for a bridge (about $4,000).  This is for one missing tooth!  Dental work is outrageously expensive.  I'd like to keep the  eight on top and eight on bottom I have.  I can't afford dentures, I've already given my life's blood for my teeth!

Wow, Karen!  What a crass man that doctor was!  I think they should have to take a sensitivity test before they get their license. 

[Margm]

They told me they were not guaranteed.  I said "no" and doc said well chew with your teeth out  of your mouth then.  He turned around and walked out.  I feel sorry for his family though, he was rich enough to have his own private airplane and was flying himself, two daughters and a friend from town that was a dentist to a ball game.  All of them perished.  He had a son and wife left.  The doc that took his place looked at my x-rays (a piece of tooth from oral surgery 30-40 years before had caused an infection down to my throat.)  ENT doc had to go through my throat to get rid of it.  He sent me to the oral surgeon to make sure it was all gone.  He also offered the screw in's and we didn't discuss it.  For my follow-up from the surgery, Billy was already gone.  

[kayc]

Wow, Marg.  That's a lot. 

 

[KarenK]

We used to celebrate New Years Eve with a glass of champagne and a kiss. Tonight I celebrated with a bowl of soup and two dogs that were very nervous about the firecrackers. It is what it is.

[V. R.]

Sorry to hear that, Karen. It's NY morning here now, and last night I didn't even wait for midnight, just took some anxiety med and went to bed. Felt a bit guilty for my kids but luckily, they were on videochats with their friends. 

Hoping this new year brings peace to you. 

🌻

[scba]

4 hours ago, V. R. said:

Sorry to hear that, Karen. It's NY morning here now, and last night I didn't even wait for midnight, just took some anxiety med and went to bed. Felt a bit guilty for my kids but luckily, they were on videochats with their friends. 

Hoping this new year brings peace to you. 

🌻

It's my 8th year without him and I came to the point to feel absolutely nothing about this date. I'm totally indifferent. I don't struggle with this feeling. 

I spend NY with my aging parents because I appreciate to have them for another year. I help my brother to prepare dinner. And that's were NYE ends to me. 

I turned off the phone at 22 and took a med at 23.30 and already in bed at 12.20. Fall asleep immediately.