It hurts so bad

[mittam99]

We all just feel so broken without our soul mate. Like we are just a shadow of what we once were. Me and Tammy together were much more than what we were individually. Together we could move mountains. Here alone and without her in my world, I sometimes can barely lift a fork and knife.

[mittam99]

This may not be the perfect analogy but I think it's close:

Our lives before...

Our "new" life:

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

 He wrote early on before we were married that now perhaps there would be someone to cry on his grave.

Oh wow. I think about that myself. I have no one to even plan my funeral, let alone come to my grave.

30 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

You can't fill the void of another person with memories and stuff of theirs.  And the memories are like a show that was cancelled.  It's all reruns.  No new episodes to look forward to.  How we do this day after day in a world filled with images of people together is so frigging hard.  Hearing plans others make with their spouses so easily and they don't even know it.  We didn't once either.  Now I have to figure out how to fill the days alone when they just flowed by before.

This is so perfectly stated, especially the part about it all being reruns. Omg, that is so true and so incredibly depressing. I had a crazy moment with my ma while driving, we got completely lost for over an hour and I was thinking about what my sister would say. I was making up the conversation in my head. I hated that. I wanted a real conversation to think back on. I hate only have the past to refer too.

That's why it's so upsetting and painful when people say 'You have your memories" Even when people are alive memories can still be very depressing. It all points to days gone by, even if they were good, fun days. They are still gone.

I also agree about the long days. Before, I wanted to turn back the hands on the clock, now it drags. It's not even lack of things to do, it's lack of motivation. I still have no motivation.

[KATPILOT]

Great picture analogy Mitch. Boy don't we all see things that way at times.

[Margm]

DANGER: Faith is going to be mentioned here.  I won't mention politics, I promise.  "One size does not fit all." Today is five months.  I hate to do that.  I quit counting days, I quit counting weeks, but every Saturday morning, I still remember.  I make up things in my mind that are wrong.  I ask things that are wrong.  I won't go into my wrong thinking.  I am intelligent enough to know it is very wrong.  I visited the Episcopal minister.  Every time he got a text (often) his attention went to his phone.  Okay.  I have visited with the Baptist minister, and next week will talk with another minister.  You see, I have misplaced something I need.  Oh, I have visited psychiatrists, but not for this problem.  You see, I had over 54 years with Billy.  We were such kids.  I married him to get away from my mom and dad. He knew it.  We made a lot of mistakes, we did some things that most marriages would not have lasted.  About in 1993, we separated for six weeks.  That was the end of our stupidity.  Things were forgiven and never mentioned again.  I do not remember him not being my life.  And, I am sorry to say, most of our trouble was my making.  

I have been through a period of numbness. But then, I have not been alone except when I go the nearly five miles to babysit my mom.  My sister's ER visit brought back anxiety.  I talk to Billy.  Coming back to my daughter's house I screamed at Billy, at God, at life and death and how much I have facing me.  I have to get the house on the market but my assistance with my mom is not going to be there and I have been expected to be here and in Arkansas too.  I cannot do it all, I cannot be in both places at once and the reaction is "why not?"  For myself, I have to get the faith that has been stretched so thin that it and myself will snap soon.

Yes I had 54 years.  I don't remember who I am.  I was him.  I am also a daughter caught in my sister's situation of having my mom where her money and property are tied up in debt.  Not my debt.  But still my problem.  Yep, I am considering parking my truck behind some small town motel in the middle of Texas.

[kevin]

Margaret, appears you are in the middle of something they call kicking the can down the the road. I remember something about your mothers house, now how does this unfold in the event your Mother passes......Do you also inherit the welfare of your sister?.............A friend of mine is going through this and I spoke up saying Family is different than marriage.....These are difficult circumstances we will all go through or at least be in contact with as families age. Every family is different needs are unique......best to you.  

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But many of us went thru watching it coming and somehow were shielded from that reality.  I honestly thought the last time I sent Steve to hospice they would fix him again and he would come home even tho a voice inside me said not this time.  We so want to hold onto them. 

So true - Deedo was admitted to the hospital numerous times and each time came out better than she went in...except the last time.  As we were in the emergency room I was assuming that once more they would fix her again; if only for a short time until the next crisis.  Her last lucid discussion with me was how her doctors wanted me to meet with hospice people when I arrived to visit her.  By the time I got there fifteen minutes later she was comatose and mottling.  This trip had been spurred by seven blood clots in her lungs even though her INR was an 8.  I was hoping she would go during the procedure because she was suffering so badly.  Of course I had no idea of the pain and misery awaiting me a couple of weeks later.

[Margm]

Kevin, here is my wicked thinking, and I know how bad I am.  I am not going to have to worry about anything.  My mom is going to outlive us all.  

[kayc]

We would never let our cellphones get in the way of our enjoying each other, we LIVED for each other!

[KATPILOT]

I took this picture after Kathy's last radiation treatment at the Mayo.  To look at her, you would never know she had a thing wrong with her. She felt good and we were happy  having the chemo and radiation behind us. Our confidence was high and we went out to celebrate. The next day we flew to Canada to visit her folks and then it all came undone. Like you said Brad. You don't always know what's coming. She would die two weeks later. I couldn't get a hold of reality for two months............ just lived in shock till I completely lost it and ended up on the floor. If it hadn't been for HOV calling me and sending letters to let me know that grief counseling was there for me I would not have made the call and Joyce would not have been at my house the next day.  I was an optimist before that trip to Canada. I am hell and gone from that person now. Today I worry about everyone I care about that cancer might be growing inside them.  How messed up is that?   I have always hated sharks. They're a mindless eating machine.

Speaking of cell phones kayc, Kathy had one and used it maybe ten times in five years. She just had no need to be tethered. I rarely bothered trying to call her.

[Margm]

After my last radiation treatment, we went back for the three month checkup and I had four GYN oncology doc's tell me it had, by their examinations, it had returned.  That was 1982.  This was MD Anderson.  I was stunned.  Billy told me it was impossible.  They said they could give me no more radiation.  They did pathology specimens.  Can you believe this was before they were using MRI's, CT scans, and PET scans?  Billy had me so calmed down that by the time we got back to Shreveport I was not even thinking about it.  When they called me with the negative results the next week, I was not even surprised.  Billy was my backbone.  So, when he was diagnosed, I was preparing for another miracle.  I never wavered, not even when he was telling me he had to go.  I got angry with him.  The doc's had said months, this was only five weeks. The only thing I did for him was not let him hurt, even if he grimaced I would give him a pain pill.  And, people may frown on this, I don't care.  He was happy every evening before bedtime because he had weed.  Son's come in handy a lot of times.  

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, absolutely perfect picture to describe this time.  What they say is true, a picture is worth a thousand words.  

[KATPILOT]

But sometimes when you are at your lowest, they will give you a sign and let you know the love never ends. 

[Gin]

This has been a hard day.  Felt extra depressed this morning.  Then I went to a grief group.  That got me more down.  All that pain!  Then I picked up the anti depressant the doctor wants me to try for a month.  I read the side affects and I do not want it.  I am afraid to take a new drug when I am alone.  No one to even notice if you have a reaction.  This way of life stinks.

[Gwenivere]

Very tough choice, Gin.  I am on an antidepressant, but have been for years.  There has been talk of upping the dosage, but I, personally, do not trust these drugs.  If I had it to do over I never would have taken it.  Now I am stuck because getting off them is so hard with side effects.  I hear ya on not having someone there if you try it.  Some swear they have saved their lives, others like me take it just to avoid withdrawl.  I don't know what you were prescribed, but my understanding is you would find out quickly if you can tolerate them and avoid withdrawl as it takes weeks to kick in if it is going to work.  

I guess the big question is do YOU feel you need them?  Doctors are quick fix pill oriented.  Grief is misunderstood as a natural thing.  I would think about that possible solution if it were years and you were still struggling deeply and your life was so impacted you were unable to feel some relief from time passing.

purely opinion because I am not a doctor, but feeling miserable and lost is natural.  Sorry I don't know more than to say that pain is what it us about tight now.  Horrendous pain, but expected and normal.

[Gin]

Gwen, the doc prescribed lexapro.  Claimed I would not get addicted.  My biggest concern is being alone and taking something new.  I am more anxious than usual because my son in California is having surgery tomorrow.  He works for a power company and fell from one of those tall power towers.  They did one hip and now they are doing the other.  I feel I Should be there for him, but I just can't.  My knees are bad and I can barely walk.  I get lost easily and I just do not want to go there alone.  This alone thing really impacts us in a lot of ways.  I tried to get him to come here for the operation, but I guess the insurance stopped it.  If Al were here, we would go together, if Al were well.

[kayc]

Gin, you're in my thoughts and prayers as you go through your son having surgery and not being able to be there for him, and you supposed to be starting a new Rx.  Do you have a neighbor that can check on you now and then?  It helps, esp. when you live alone.

[Gwenivere]

Gin, lexapro is the next generation of the celexa I am on.  Supposedly less side effects.  You have a lot pulling at you with your sons surgery.  Anxiety is a common side effect.  If it were me, I would put off making any decision about taking them for the time being.  You can always decide next month or the next.  It really sounds to me you don't need any more decisions to juggle at this time.  There are things I need to do, but am not addressing them now because I am not in the frame of mind to take on anything else.  Sometimes we let ourselves get caught up in urgencies that really can wait.  Our minds are just too jumbled.  Again, just my opinion.

[andreaskye]

11 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Mark told me many times, and wrote it in letters to me that he had really thought he was going to be alone for the rest of his life; he had thought his chance for love had passed him by.  

 Wow, I don't know what this adds to anything but I felt the exact same way when I met my Nick who is gone, as your Mark felt about having that chance with you. Can I tell you the extra special joy you gave to him for that? I mean my grief is so compounded due to the same thought. That I only got 3 years to feel the way I did out of my 44 and I had thought I was just going to go on and be alone. But if you turn it around, while your Mark was here, Oh my Gosh, his heart was so full because of you. I just wanted to tell you. I am new and do not know all the triggers for people, just my own pain, but if someone thought they, for just a moment, felt how much Nick loved me, just as I felt from that one sentence Mark's love for you, I would want them to tell me, remind me. 
 You blessed him so, just as I know he did you. 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Andrea,

Thank you for your words.  All his siblings tell me that I changed his life.  He was so "dark" and miserable.  What they don't realize is that he brought the same light to MY life.  I was 44 when I met Mark.  I do know how much he loved me, and part of me feels so selfish because I just did not get enough time to have that feeling.  He was the first person in my life who accepted all the love I was willing to give.  He and I were like twin souls.  I knew what it felt like to want to have love so badly, but always have it pass you by.  I do feel blessed that I was able to make the last few years of his life so much better.  I did not have to go through the same torment of so many of the people who post here.  I did not have to watch as his health deteriorated.  Mark had said to me after he watched his father die of cancer that he hoped when his time came, that he either died in his sleep, or had a massive heart attack and just #snapping fingers# died.  He got his wish, but probably not looking for it to be at so young an age (53).  My heart aches for all those who had to go through so much.  As my fog begins to lift, I am troubled by thinking how scared he must have been at that time. How long had he been up feeling what he was feeling? Did I act fast enough; did I comfort him enough. How scared was I?  Not enough to think this was the end for him.  Even on the way to the hospital, my thoughts were more about the rehab he would face from this. It never occurred to me that I had touched him for the last time, and that touch was chest compressions. I understand that the "fog" we get put into is to protect us from dealing with all these questions that are now coming to light in my head.  Nothing can change the outcome.  Thank you for reminding me about the joy he had for those 8 plus years that I was in his life.  I know I had the same joy.

[mittam99]

Maryann...

I was also 44 when I met Tammy. She had just turned 30. Truth is, before this I wasn't sure I'd ever meet someone I'd want to spend my life with. In some ways, our story is an amazing one. We met online and hit it off. I knew she was special and I know she felt the same about me. When we met in person, it was wonderful... it was magical. So much so that 6 months later she left her entire family and came to Maryland with little three year old Katie to start a new life. Tammy loved me for me and unconditionally, and my love for her knew no bounds

Tammy had a very severe case of systemic lupus; she'd been diagnosed in the early nineties and had already gone through some life threatening medical ordeals. There were people in my life that told me lupus can be very challenging and questioned if I was making the right choice. For me, it was a no-brainer, I was in love with Tammy and that's all that mattered. Tammy gave me joy I only imagined before. She made each day brighter for me.

The medical battles we fought were hard. They were frightening. They were downright horrific. They caused much emotional and financial trauma, But we fought them together and we made the best of each and every day.

I had the best wife... my perfect Tammy. She was everything to me and I cherish her with all my heart.

It's so hard to think that all I had is now in the past. Memories can be great, but they also serve as a painful reminder of what I've lost.

I know I'm a better person than I was before I met Tammy. I think we all incorporate our lost loved ones into our own persona a little bit. I find myself doing things that Tammy would do, taking things she "taught" me and doing it her way... a better way.

Tammy hated the word "aint". She would cringe if somebody used it. I rarely say it, but if I ever do, I find myself apologizing out loud to her.

I realize I'm starting to ramble... I think I'll stop now.

 

 

[IsThereHope]

You're probably right, Janka.  I think the problem is they are overworked, and some are not updating their "continuing education".  Thus, mistakes are made, although I don't know what happened in your loved one's case.    

[Gin]

I had a very bad reaction to the anti depressant I started.  No more.  Interesting that I always say that I want to die and be with Al. However,. all I wanted was to figure out how to get to the ER if needed.  Had it all planned out.  Go and open the front door, call 911 and then sit there and wait.  Makes me wonder.  Maybe the will to live is the strongest instinct.  I would not have guessed that.

[iPraiseHim]

Many years ago, I was depressed for many years, later diagnosed as uni-polar; just down.  I believed that suicide was the unpardonable sin because you couldn't ask for forgiveness.  So I prayed that God would take me to Heaven before I woke up the next day.  The pain of depression was so great.  I learned that it wasn't that I wanted to die.  It was I just didn't want to endure the pain of depression anymore.  So, I now know the signs when I start to spiral downward and I pray or call a trusted friend to bring me a shovel or ladder to crawl out. I also review my  H.A.L.T. program.

1) Don't get  too Hungry

2) Too Angry

3) Too Lonely or

4) Too Tired

After my wife died, there were times when I would get to the edge of the depression spiral.  So I wrote, made a gratitude list,reached out, prayed, sought counsel, minister, friend, etc...

"When things look down, I look up", pray and ask for help. Where there is a will there is a way!  I need to remind myself of this often. Shalom    

[Gwenivere]

I'm so sorry, Gin.  I had a feeling this might be a bit much to try right now.  Antidepressants are not that easy to adjust to even in the most ideal of times, which sounds odd regarding the need for them.  Ideal time?  Sheesh.

Yes, I struggle to survive too and don't know why.  As has been suggested, it is a part of us that kicks in automatically from nature.  I don't want to live without Steve.  My body and mind will fight to survive.  What is a person to do?