Clematis Posted July 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 You're right, although I think they have actually been little blips on the road to recovery. I woke up this morning and realized that I have so few days left here in my dad's house. Four mornings from now I will wake up for the last day in my dad's house and have to jump out of bed and go pick up the moving truck and coordinate this move. I don't know if I can do it. I sure don't want to... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 You will do it, Laura. One day at a time. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 1 hour ago, enna said: You will do it, Laura. One day at a time. Thanks, Anne. I really don't want to move out of my dad's house, even though the truth is that I am actually taking most of it with me -- the parts that mattered most in making it look like his house. I have felt closet to my dad here at his house, even though I have done little but grieve except when some task-and a person to help with it-were right in my face. My grief counselor keeps talking about going after the "low hanging fruit" and nibbling around the edges. I suppose that's what I am doing, but it's really hard. For some reason, moving has always been hard for me and always makes me cry, even when it's an obvious good change. I did a little moving this morning, have a reasonable task laid out for tomorrow, and I could probably use a crow bar to get myself out the door to go to Staples right now and get some boxes & tape...the grocery store is next door & I could get something easy for lunch....that seems doable. I feel like I have turned into a total baby. I am used to being a person who is about fearless, but here I am crying and feeling paralyzed and terrified. It's pretty pathetic... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Hey, I cried when I bought my brand new car...because I was having to get rid of a car that George and I had bought together. I'd loved the car, but I was commuting and needed better gas mileage, plus the valves were getting ready to go out. And that's nowhere near as hard as moving! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 26 minutes ago, kayc said: ... And that's nowhere near as hard as moving! Oh Kay, It's not just the moving. I feel like I did back at the very beginning, when I felt like I couldn't breathe and couldn't swallow and it just seemed impossible to believe that he was gone, and it seemed like everything I said ended in my wailing, "...he's gone and he's not coming back!" I knew I'd miss him but I never had any idea it would be like this... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 It's partly the stage in your journey...somewhere around six months seems to hit hard and then the second year. I guess because that's when it sinks in they're not coming back and also "enough is enough!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Is that how it goes? Six months feels as the beginning? I guess it's also worse because I'm moving at this particular time, Also, the school year is about to start, I don't know where I'll be working, and my safety net is gone... It's scary and makes me feel like I'm in free fall 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 I feel like I'm saying goodbye to my dad again...moving seems like such an unknown, which seems very odd because I'm moving back into my own condo where I've lived for 11 years. But it isn't really the same, because for ten of those years my dad was a minute and a half away, and now instead of him I have his furniture. I also no longer have my own furniture and all that stuff I'm familiar with. I suppose I'll get used to it, but it seems like a lot of unknown territory... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 24, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 I feel like I am back at the beginning, but maybe that's not really true. I went out to eat and an outdoor concert with my friend who has been helping me and her husband. We were talking about this and she pointed out that while the car accident was a significant setback, I am still doing a lot better than I was at the start. This was good to hear. I don't necessarily feel it, but if someone outside of me sees a positive change, it is probably real 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 14 hours ago, Clematis said: I feel like I'm saying goodbye to my dad again...moving seems like such an unknown Laura, my dear, I'm wondering if leaving your dad's condo might be made a bit easier if you were to construct some sort of goodbye ritual around it. See, for example, Eulogizing a Home: How to Say Goodbye to a House with Memories House Blessings Moves 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 24, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 2 hours ago, MartyT said: Laura, my dear, I'm wondering if leaving your dad's condo might be made a bit easier if you were to construct some sort of goodbye ritual around it. See, for example... Thank you, Marty-that's very sweet of you. I really appreciate your help. Things seem so hard right now, leaving his house, dealing with the uncertainties of my employment, coping with the aftermath of a head injury, and moving. Moving...as if that were just a little detail after some other stuff... Maybe this week I'll finally get to services on Shabbat and say Kaddish for him. I'm not much of a practicing Jew now, but I've been thinking about it every week since he died in January. I've said Kaddish for him here alone, but not at temple. My dad wasn't Jewish-I'm a convert, or this would have been different all along. I loved the temple in Tucson and it was a great comfort to me, but the one here is foreign territory. Still, it might be good to go... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 You've reminded me of a wonderful book that was suggested to me by a client several years ago, Laura, and you might find it helpful too. I bought it and read it, based on his recommendation, and I think it's terrific: Mourning & Mitzvah: A Guided Journal for Walking the Mourner's Path Through Grief to Healing by Rabbi Anne Brener, LCSW ♥ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 25, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 7 hours ago, MartyT said: You've reminded me of a wonderful book that was suggested to me by a client several years ago, Laura, and you might find it helpful too. I bought it and read it, based on his recommendation, and I think it's terrific: Mourning & Mitzvah: A Guided Journal for Walking the Mourner's Path Through Grief to Healing by Rabbi Anne Brener, LCSW ♥ Sounds interesting...I just now ordered it on Amazon and look forward to its arrival. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 Laura, My experience has been that the six month mark hit me hard as well. Then as I approached the first year of grief with all the memories of being separate from my wife. My mind told me it was just like the first week. My mind can trick me sometimes. As intense as it was in the beginning but,( as others have said here), it will calm down somewhat but then there will be triggers. Some I can plan for but others, I just prepare my heart to just FEEL them but not let those feelings rule my actions. It is a unique dance of love, grief, loss, balance, and discovery of new ways to deal with life. I found new information that this grief ride is not over. It just continues on a unique and new track as well as jumping back to some of the old tracks. Everyone deals with grief in different ways and different levels. We need to be patient with ourselves as we were with our loved ones and give our self the benefit of the doubt and just lighten up. (easier said than done). We understand and walk with you on your journey. The secret is to keep walking.. Keep moving on. Shalom 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 25, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 37 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said: I found new information that this grief ride is not over. It just continues on a unique and new track as well as jumping back to some of the old tracks. Everyone deals with grief in different ways and different levels. We need to be patient with ourselves as we were with our loved ones and give our self the benefit of the doubt and just lighten up. (easier said than done). We understand and walk with you on your journey. The secret is to keep walking.. Keep moving on. Shalom Thanks George! New information...what is that? I have so appreciated the companionship, support, and understanding of my friends online and also those where I live, who have been helping me. I frequently don't understand what I am going through and fear that people will judge me for being such a basket case. That hasn't actually happened-people understand more than I would ever have imagined in my wildest dreams. Also, it was a great relief to hear from my younger sister, and that she acknowledged that my slogging through this giant project of handling my father's estate and consolidation of our possessions into one condo is a staggering load on top of grieving and a head injury. Being patient with myself is a bit of a foreign concept. My tendency is to push myself as if I were whipping a horse...and if I am not doing that I feel horribly guilty about not pushing myself like a maniac. This summer I have watched a lot of movies from Netflix and the library in the evening because I am too tired to do anything else and on any given day I probably spent a fair amount of time crying in addition to whatever else I did. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 Thinking of you, Laura, as you continue to pack and get ready for another school year. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 10 hours ago, Clematis said: Being patient with myself is a bit of a foreign concept. My tendency is to push myself as if I were whipping a horse...and if I am not doing that I feel horribly guilty about not pushing myself like a maniac. Perhaps this is why you are allowed to learn these lessons. It's hard to see when we're in the middle of it, but later on, looking back, we often see many lessons we've learned from the hard thing we went through. You are learning to be patient with yourself and to rely on others, something that is hard for many of us. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 26, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 11 hours ago, kayc said: Perhaps this is why you are allowed to learn these lessons. It's hard to see when we're in the middle of it, but later on, looking back, we often see many lessons we've learned from the hard thing we went through. You are learning to be patient with yourself and to rely on others, something that is hard for many of us. Well, like it or not, I have been relying and leaning on others a lot lately...I feel badly about it sometimes, but no one else seems to think it's a problem. I think helpers are the hardest to help--those who spend their lives serving others have a tough time receiving help from others. From my personal experience and work as a home health care social worker it seems that the most resistant to being helped are retired teachers, social workers, and nurses... You try to tell them that they've been helping everyone in sight for 60 or 70 years and maybe it's their turn to be on the receiving end it gets you nowhere. I hope I'm not that bad... Also, I think the job I had laid out before me this summer was a whopping big one for anyone with any sentimentality at all. I suppose that for a person who wasn't attached to anything-like someone who handles estate sales and only has to sort between things of value and no value (sell/donate/toss) it might not have taken so long. But we each had a 900 sq foot condo (not including the one-car garage and outside storage closet, and both of them were packed. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 It's way tougher to sort through things that mean something to you. That's why I think it will be much easier for my kids to go through my stuff someday than for me to pare down by myself...they aren't attached to my stuff. To them it's just a bunch of old stuff they don't need. I think it's way easier to help others than it is to be on the receiving in, just part of how we're conditioned, I guess. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 9 hours ago, kayc said: I think it's way easier to help others than it is to be on the receiving in, just part of how we're conditioned, I guess. The mother of one of my best friends is one of the most charming, yet narcissistic people I have ever known. Her biggest talent in life has been making friends and pulling people together socially, whether in casual contact, initial meeting, parties, or anything else. Nevertheless, she has always managed to pull people together around HER, and has had them enjoying it, all over the world. Anyway, she once told me that some people live to serve and others live to be served. She was pointing out that I am in the former category and she was in the latter. She meant this as a put-down for me but I I didn't take it like that. Also, in spite of her focus on wanting to be waited on like a princess, she has a generosity of spirit that has brightened up the world around her and helped a lot of others, even if her ultimate purpose was to have them end up fluttering around her...People are interesting. So, tomorrow is moving day...I worked on packing and getting things ready all day today - and a long day...except for going to see the Chiropractor and OTs (saw a little of both of them today). The OTs and Chiro all had the same thing to say to me - they wanted to hear me say that I am supervising the moving and not planning on hauling stuff myself. Today was a long day, but the hardest thing I did was to empty this corner cupboard into 8 boxes, employing 5 rolls of bubble wrap...I had plenty of supervision, as you can see here... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Hard to believe this is my last night at my father's house... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Wishing you a smooth and productive moving day, Laura ~ although I know such things are rarely smooth. We are thinking of you today . . . 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Thinking of you today... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Thank you! I think I have eight minutes before my pals start showing up. Probably time to slip my laptop into its pack and...uh-oh--that's four minutes! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 What a day! I had a lot of help and we moved some enormous pieces of furniture, like the sofa/hide-a-bed and tempurpedic bed I inherited from my dad. I ended up moving more than I wanted to or should have, but one of my helpers, a neighbor, got into a snit and bailed after we had arranged everything around him and gotten behind the eight ball accommodating his schedule. He made it pretty clear that he did not want any input from me about how any aspect of moving my possessions should be done. I have three tall pieces with glass in them...all are sentimental family items, two are quite old, and one is valuable. I wanted them moved lying down so that there would be zero chance of them falling and shattering the glass. My neighbor said he had formerly worked in moving and storage and was an expert. When it came to one of these tall pieces leaving the bedroom, my friend suggested carrying it on its side rather than upright, but my neighbor said, no, they should carry it upright and got it close to the doorway, from where it was really obvious that the piece would not fit through even without its little spire, but he was going for it anyway. I said, "It's not going to fit upright" and he said it was, because the spire comes off. I told him, "no it doesn't come off" (I had already tried this). He tried to wrest it loose with no success and when he realized he was wrong he announced, "All right-that's it! I'm out of here" and stormed off. The piece was 3-1/2 inches taller than the doorway... Apparently he was having some problem with his driver's license and not proving insurance, and could not resolve it at the DMV that was close by, but had to drive over the mountain at the county seat, 1-1/2 hours away. I think he was upset before he even came over (four hours after the time he said he would come), but that was not my fault or a good reason to treat me like a child and demolish my furniture. Well, I hope he gets over it. I always thought he was a nice guy...hopefully he was just having a bad day. Well anyway, I am back in my own house - mostly - and the cat and I seem to have survived it. I am really really sore. Unfortunately there a few problems aside from the fact that there is too much furniture in here. The big persian rug got shoved around when the sofa/bed came in and has big wrinkles in it. Also someone insisted on removing the lampshades from every single lamp, and the little top-nut that secures the shade vanished when I removed it to put the shade back on...probably under the sofa/bed that I cannot move. The worse problem, however, is that I can't really use the kitchen here because the guys could not get the microwave in...they ran out of time and then discovered that the holes did not match the screws in the new microwave. So they left the microwave sitting on top of the range, leaving them both useless. I guess I have to go down to my dad's house if I want to cook or heat anything. Well, I suppose it's temporary...but I sure canoe install a microwave over the stove by myself. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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