Catharsis

[ACE_Jr]

My name is Andrew, I am really sorry for how long this post is... I just have no idea how to process all of this.

 

My father passed away a few months ago. I'm 26, an only child, and very much just getting started with my adult life. I still live at home and have very little in terms of accomplishments, something I always wanted my father to see me achieve. A level of success he could be proud of, a family, a home... but I guess I took too long to even start, any of it. I certainly didn't try hard enough.

I went to my fathers house at the behest of his wife, he had been ill complaining of rails but refused to go to a doctor or an ER, I found a locked house with no one responding to my knocks. Further compounding matters the old spare key I had broke when I tried to turn the deadbolt (the house shifts from season to season making it hard to do.) I was remiss to break a window, as then I had no idea what lay-in-wait inside, I went home, and about an hour later returned with needle-nose pliers, and a friend who could help me pick the lock if that failed. Both helped me grasp the key and we precariously turned the lock open. I entered alone fearing I would find him indecent.

On the evening of February 26th I found him in the bathroom on the floor 8 hours or so after he had passed, at least that is estimation the paramedics gave me. He died, alone, of pneumonia or some respiratory infection. I can't help but wonder if I had been there maybe I could have helped him. It shatters my world to see that image and to imagine again and again cleaning up the scene where he passed, the many many empty bottles of liquor strewn around the house, the room he was violently ill in before he passed; but it is burned into my mind.

Some background, my parents divorced when I was 11, after my father had an extramarital affair. It wasn't the affair itself, but it did break the proverbial camels back. He was a lifelong alcoholic and an unrepentant one. He loved me though and truly wanted to be in my life. He bought a house nearby so I could live with him part time and life continued, albeit in a surreal, odd, and new way. For many years this went on until finally he remarried and moved to Arizona where he lived with his wife. He kept the home here in Oregon and came back to stay and spend time with me every few months out of the year.

I took my time in college, but never finished my degree. I've never known what to do with my life, so it had always seemed easier to do nothing. I completed 175 credits with a decent GPA but never finished earning my English degree and never transferred to my fathers Alma Matter at the U of O from a community college.

Our relationship in recent years had really struggled. He began to retreat into a cycle of severe alcohol abuse, principally when he would be here, in Oregon, away from his wife. He even started to accuse me of stealing small things from him during his binges. It hurt so much and I tried so many times to tell him what he was doing and how it hurt me. But it never worked. I went to counseling as a teen and tried hard to come to terms with my fathers addiction, and for a time I felt like the responsibility wasn't mine, like I was free. I wanted to be there for my father and help him, but I couldn't make him stop. That was up to him.

More and more when he would visit he would get sick. Always a man to refuse help he never wanted anyone to give him soup, water, anything to help him recover. He would shut down and just sleep, occasionally getting up to take a sip of wine or use the bathroom. I wanted to be there for him but it broke my heart. He would tell me to just leave him alone so he could get better. He made me feel like there was nothing I could do to help him. I gave up on him for the second time... I never thought anything could hurt more.

Now I know it can. It can hurt so much more. It has been almost 4 months since my father died and I am crying writing this right now. I feel like even now I am just starting to feel this anger and depression I have never experienced before. It's hard to know how to function.

At first my friends were really present, the first week or two at least. But now I feel so abandoned by the people in the past I have considered my best friends, people I have known for over a decade. I have reached out and told them I am hurting, and still not one call in so long. Even the friend who was there with me when I found him. Barely one hello, how are you. Not a single conversation not elicited by me. It hurts so bad to lose my father, and I know they can't grieve for me... but it just feels like they don't want to even be there for me while I do. I can't explain it to them, every time I do they say things like "that's just the bile rising up [from you,] that's what happens during grief" Or "everyone will go through this, just man up, get a job." None of them have lost a parent.

I know I need to do something with my life, I know I am not the person I should be or could be. But I just want love from my friends. Some support and an occasional kind thought. Just someone to even pretend to care. I don't even know what to do except continue to feel further isolated. The more I make myself vulnerable by opening up the more I feel ostracized. Do I just accept this silently? I am beginning to think I expected too much from them, like people would all of a sudden be there for me and help me get through this horrible horrible experience. But instead I've heard from them only once or twice since his passing and increasingly less as time goes on.

I am so lucky my Mother and Grandmother are still alive, but I know, or at least feel, that even though they care deeply for me they only listen to and deal with my grief because we are family and there isn't much other option for them. They have a genetic investment.

My fathers much belated Service is coming up on Saturday, which has been organized by my fathers wife, who has decreed my mother isn't welcome at my fathers memorial yet still expects me to care for her and be compassionate. A few of my friends have told me they can't make it and 'possibly' we can get together afterwards 'for some drinks.'

I feel like I am living in a bizzaro-world where down is up and left is out, like I am under assault from every direction, like some vile paranoia infests my mind turning me against the people I care about. I just needed to vent, I feel so alone.

 

P.S I'm sorry, this is like my life story as I am rereading this, maybe too much information... Thanks if you got through it all and if you didn't that's ok, too.

[MartyT]

My dear Andrew, I'm glad you found your way to us, although I'm very sorry for the reasons that led you here ~ and I sincerely hope that sharing the details of your life story helped you to some degree.

It seems to me that you would do well to find yourself a qualified therapist who could support you as you find your way through this grief of yours ~ one with experience in treating adult children of alcoholics. Clearly you are living the life of an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), and I hope you know that there are all sorts of resources providing information, comfort and support for people with histories like yours. See, for example, Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization

I think your statement about being in counseling as a teen is telling:

27 minutes ago, ACE_Jr said:

I went to counseling as a teen and tried hard to come to terms with my fathers addiction, and for a time I felt like the responsibility wasn't mine, like I was free.

That feeling of being free ~ free of holding yourself responsible for your father's addiction ~ and of coming to terms with the awful circumstances surrounding your father's life and death ~ can be yours once again, my friend. But it requires a lot of work on your part ~ work that can be done most effectively with the expertise, guidance and support of someone who is knowledgeable and qualified to help you. That is the most precious gift you can give to yourself, and I hope with all my heart that you will find it. You are worth it, and you certainly do deserve it.  ♥

[ACE_Jr]

 

MartyT, thank you for responding so quickly. I know it was a lot to get through.

This is high maintenance stuff and I feel bad about about dumping out my baggage ( I am reading the link you provided and this characteristic worries me, now.) But it is comforting to have a person listen and tell me life can be better and a path through this is available.

Because of your response, I have reached out to a qualified therapist who specializes in emotional trauma and grief; maybe I can get an appointment soon. I will consider going to an al-anon meeting in the meantime and read more about Adult Children of Alcoholics.

[MartyT]

Good for you, Andrew. Good for you! Yes, life CAN be better, there IS a path through all of this, there ARE people "out there" who can help you, and good for you for making the effort to find them. While any journey may be long and hard, it always begins with a single step, and I'm so proud of you for taking that first step!

Let us know how things go for you ~ and know that as you travel this path, we all are with you and wishing you  the very best!  ♥

[kayc]

There is a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics (my dad was one), also Emotional Blackmail, and Toxic Parents, they're all very helpful.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.  You are right, your friends aren't able to be there the way you want them to be because they don't get it, they haven't been there.  It doesn't mean they don't care about you, they just don't know how to respond.

Good luck with the service...I honestly don't understand your stepmother forbidding your mom to be there, it seems it'd be of great help to you to have her there supporting you.  I hope it goes well.

[ACE_Jr]

Thank you very much Kayc. I'll end up picking up a copy. I have found a group meeting locally for tonight of the ACoA and may attend.

18 hours ago, kayc said:

I honestly don't understand your stepmother forbidding your mom to be there, it seems it'd be of great help to you to have her there supporting you.  I hope it goes well.

No one else does either. She is a very self focused individual. His service is tomorrow and I am apprehensive because I don't know how to answer questions from my family, I imagine they will wonder why she is not there.

I keep struggling with my emotions regarding my friends. I am hesitant to reach out anymore to them and I can feel a part of me that trusted them withering. I know I cannot expect them to understand, but it just is so painful to watch them withdraw and no longer seek me out as was in the past. 

I have called the Therapist I found and will set up an appointment today with him for sometime in the near future, I hope.

Thanks for the kind works. 

[kayc]

I was in Eugene today (I grew up there)...I hope you get in to the therapist very soon.  Hang in there.  Try not to make any decisions about your friends, it's too soon to be able to think clearly, you may feel different a few months from now.  That said, do what is best for YOU.

If your family asks why your mom is not at the funeral, just tell them.  You don't need to pass judgment or draw conclusions, just simply state stepmother does not want her that and mother is respecting her decision.  It's a tough time for all and death/funerals can stress all involved.

Tomorrow is about remembering your dad, the parts of him you will miss...and trying to lay to rest the parts that you struggled with.  Parents can be complicated, but we love them and they're OUR parents.

You'll be in my thoughts tomorrow.

[Clematis]

Hi, Andrew - I just now read your posts and the responses. Your situation is really heart-wrenching, even for a stranger to read about, and daunting elements are everywhere-the suddenness, the death situation, the way you found him, the alcoholism, the family problems, your youth and uncertainty about the future, your friends' lack of ongoing support, and so on. It is easy to understand that you would be in a lot of distress from all of this. And you are so young, which makes it even more tragic. You can get through it, but anyone with a heart who heard your situation would feel compassion for you.

You can get through this, but you will need a lot more help than you are likely to find in your family and friends. My situation is similar to yours in several aspects-my dad died, my family members turned away from me-or turned on me, and my friends (after a few weeks) disappeared-at least temporarily. A therapist once said to me, "Often friends just can't go the distance". She was so right, and I think that is what you are experiencing. It doesn't mean that your friends aren't true friends, but they aren't professional consolers or people like we have on this site who have decided to devote their hearts to fellow grievers. They just have a limited ability to deal with something this difficult.

Kay and Marty are spot on in recommending that you seek professional help with the grief process and with the family alcoholism. And please do keep coming back here! One of the coolest aspects of this site is that you can find support from someone anytime. If it is the middle of the night, you might not get a response right away, but even then you can gain something from reading what has been written to others in similar situations. Also, Marty does a great job of monitoring the content so that the flow stays kind and gentle. Counselors are great, but you generally have only an hour-or maybe two-a week to talk to them. What do you you do the rest of the time? Come to us-we are here for you.

Grieving a parent-or anyone you deeply loved- is a long hard road. It is likely that most of your friends are around your age, and have not had the kind of loss that you have had; at many levels they may not "get it". Remember to take care of yourself, try to get enough sleep, water and food, and be very careful when you are walking, driving, or doing anything where a person could possibly be injured. And please don't worry about the length of your posts-it gives us more details so that we understand better what you are going through. In some ways we are all going through the same thing, but at the same time everyone and their situation is different.

Also, take your time and don't try to rush anything. You need a good filter so that you don't worry about what people tell you-as to what you should be doing or feeling, or for how long. People way the dumbest things that are so irritating to a grieving person. However long the person lived, if you loved them it wasn't enough. All those insipid remarks like "well, it was it was his time", "well, he lived a long life", "well, he's in a better place now", "well, at least he's out of pain now" make me want to scream (or throttle someone). How do they think they know? They don't-people say these things because they really don't know what to say and they want to make you feel better, and sometimes they are trying to feel better themselves. I do try to control myself, and when I find myself snapping at someone who is trying to be nice to me, I follow it up with, "I'm sorry-I just..."

I think the worst is "I'm sorry for your loss". It's so generic and says so little, and yet it tries to sum it all up. I worried about what to say about this, because I knew I would hear it at least a thousand times more than I wanted to hear it, which would have been zero. So, when someone says "I'm sorry for your loss", I say, "Me too!" and then follow that with whatever is on my mind about what I am or have been going through. The first times I said this, I thought to myself that it was a dumb thing to say ("me too"), but it was actually a good thing to say and following it with some details, because you get something out of it. Either they mumble something and walk away (and you know for sure they don't want to hear about it), or more likely, they respond with something genuine, since you have opened the door to a more open conversation. Then you use your filter to keep what is helpful to you and try to forget anything they said to you that you find irritating or irrelevant. Mostly what I have heard is that I have a lot of company.

That was kind of long, Andrew, but I hope that some of it was helpful for you.  -Laura

[kayc]

Laura,

I've often said "I'm sorry for your loss" because what else IS there to say?  Almost anything a person says can offend without intending to, as we well know, grievers often feel particularly sensitive (and angry), it just comes with the territory of loss.  It's important to remember that whatever people say, they mean well and if they say something completely out in left field, it's cathartic to set them straight, so long as we are kind about it.  We once had a thread on this site about "people say the dumbest things" and we all put the worst things people had said to us on it...it helps to just get it off our chest and this is a safe place to dump it.

Andrew,

You're in my thoughts today, I know it's hard, I was 29 when my father passed away, that's older than you but I felt way too young.

[Clematis]

I always say something like "I'm so sorry-that's awful..." and immediately segue into an open-ended question about them. Then the ball is in their court. If I get a one word answer, then I know they don't want to talk about it, at that time, or to me. Ok. But If they immediately launch into  something, I try to be the best listener that I can for as long as I can, no matter who it is or if I even know them, like I just met them in the grocery store. But that's me...and I know that the world is full of suffering people that have a dearth of people to talk to. Sometimes I can be that for them and sometimes I can't. I'm pretty good at setting limits...

When my sisters were in town for my dad's memorial, we went in a Chipotle's and I got up from the table to find a fork and almost fell as I tripped over a stroller. The mother-and stroller owner-apologized and said she was glad I didn't fall. I said "Yeah, me too-I could have so easily" and went on to say that my dad just died and I was not all there. She said, "Oh, I'm sorry for your loss" and I said "Yeah, me too. It's been really hard." And then she started telling me all about some death in her family and we were busy there in the Chipotle talking about how hard it is. My sisters had to about drag us apart to get me to sit down and eat my food because we were supposed to go on a Pink Jeep Tour that Diane wanted to do. After I sat down they wanted to know what was wrong with me that I would get into a conversation like that with someone I didn't even know. People are friendly in Sedona and I talk to people I don't know all the time. I thought, "What is wrong with me? What is wrong with YOU?" But I said, "Say, can I have a bite of that thing you're eating? That looks really good! What is it?"

[Clematis]

Kay and Andrew, 26 and 29 is way too young to lose your father! I am like twice that and my dad was 88. I still wasn't ready, and feel like we were ripped off from time we should have had together. My friend Greg's dad is 93 or 95 and just got out of the hospital from multiple broken bones he got from someone hitting him on his tractor-hit and run-with a car. Greg's dad was thrown off the tractor-at 93 or however old he is-into a ditch, and survived and is healing. I feel terrible for Greg and his dad, whom I've never met, and am thrilled that he's getting better. But part of me also thinks..."Why not my dad-why couldn't he be out riding a tractor when he was 93 or 95 or whatever?" Well, part of the story is that Greg's dad was riding the tractor to the mailbox because he is unable to walk to the mailbox. But is he getting a neighbor to fetch his mail now? No...he's buying a new tractor!

[Clematis]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

've often said "I'm sorry for your loss" because what else IS there to say?  Almost anything a person says can offend without intending to, as we well know, grievers often feel particularly sensitive (and angry), it just comes with the territory of loss.  It's important to remember that whatever people say, they mean well and if they say something completely out in left field, it's cathartic to set them straight, so long as we are kind about it.  

At my beloved aunt's memorial service, I was talking to my cousin Scott (son of this aunt) about grieving. I said something about people saying "I'm sorry for your loss", and he said, "That's what I have always said to people!" He looked kind of like I had slapped him. I tried to backpedal, and he said no, it was ok and he really didn't like being on the receiving end of that clipped little quip. He asked me what should a person say, and I told him, "I don't know...ask them a question-try to just give them a chance to say anything they want to about what they're going through". People try to "be strong" or whatever they think is expected of them. I think it's a kind of a gift to encourage suffering people to be real...

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

Hi Andrew. Hugs to you.

My mom died December 23rd. I'm 29. It seems like you've had much worse cards dealt to you because your relationship with your father was so tough and riddled with addiction issues. I was fortunate in that my mom was sober and it was impossible to have a strained relationship with her. I can't even imagine growing up with what you had to grow up with. It's got to make your father's death sooooo much worse to deal with.

I did want to say that I get the friend thing, though. The only people who spoke to me about what happened after the first month or so or who don't seem to think I should just "move on already" are the other people I know who lost a parent at a young age. You and I are kind of screwed in that most of our peers don't have the slightest idea how we feel. Sub-40, most people still haven't gone through it. They don't understand that it essentially breaks your family and takes away your childhood, as well as completely tinging happy childhood memories with sadness. They don't understand what it feels like to know you have another 50 years ahead of you without your mom or your dad. Like you, it hurts me that my mom won't see some milestones, either. If I get married, she won't be there. If I have kids, they'll only know my mom from my stories. If I have some awesome career milestone, she won't be there to be proud of me. Even if the relationships are strained, parental relationships are some of the most important in our lives. What are generally more important? Spouses and kids. We don't have those yet, so we've lost our most important people. Our peers who haven't experienced this loss and won't for some time just flat out don't get it. I try to give them a pass because, really, there's no way of knowing. They'll understand when the time comes. You and I? We can be the friends who understand in the future, the few who offer comfort, just from our own experiences. We'll be there for them, even if we aren't getting that sort of support right now.

The only people who keep up with me and my feelings are the others who went through the same thing, losing a parent in their 20s. I only know a handful and some I actually know from Twitter, as weird as that is, but if you can find any, they'll be helpful. They're the only ones who can grasp it. You can't look at your regular circle friends for understanding, as much as that stinks. On a personal note, this fact bugs me even more because my mom was 20 when her father died. She would have gotten it and been one of the understanding hearts, but I can't talk to her about it.

Keep your head up, hold close to the good memories and know that you are not alone. There are lots of young people mourning the loss of their parents and feeling completely lost without them.

[ACE_Jr]

I've been feeling a lot better since I posted here, and all the responses are welcome and really encouraging.

Thank you, Clematis, DaughterOfAnAmazingMom, for sharing your experiences with me and giving love and compassion, really what I have needed. No matter how young we are when we suffer this loss we are still the children of the people of whom we have lost, it's hard all around. I am lucky to have had as much time with my dad as I did, even though there was a lot of pain we got to see and do a lot of great things together. 

I have set up for the 13th a first meeting with a local therapist who works with grief and am looking forward to that chance to open up one on one. I have also taken the steps to enroll at my fathers alma-mater and take full time classes starting in September. I don't know what to do with that time, but some business classes and things focusing around personal finance will at least get me ready to forge out on some path. 

As for the service, I was impressed with how many people came. My blood family and my fathers friends were really supportive and it was a good experience to talk with them. One of my friends showed up and attended, but after none of my other friends came by. It was too bad.

But more and more I think the following is true. 

On 6/5/2016 at 4:03 PM, DaughterOfAnAmazingMom said:

I try to give them a pass because, really, there's no way of knowing. They'll understand when the time comes. You and I? We can be the friends who understand in the future, the few who offer comfort, just from our own experiences. We'll be there for them, even if we aren't getting that sort of support right now.

Good words. Thank you.

[Clematis]

I remember my father telling me when I was about 14 or so, "No one will ever love you more than your parents do". I remember thinking I was in for a bad time if that was true because I wasn't sure they really loved me all that much and I hoped I would have a husband and/or children or someone who really loved me and more than my parents did. But he was right-especially him. My ex loved his dope more than me, I never had children,  and other people came and went. But my dad-yeah, he really really loved me and it was unconditional. The most devastating thing about his loss is realizing that he was right, and since he also became my best friend and confidant at the end of his life, the loss was even greater. I also lost my safety net. The world will never be the same place again.

I feared that my dad would have a pathetic little service with hardly anyone there because all of his friends were either dead or across the country, and he really didn't make friends while he was here, as friendly as he was. He just did't make the effort to follow through with people. Lots of people really liked him but they weren't really friends. So I planned a Celebration of Life with a slide show of his life, followed by a potluck with a band playing (that I play with), followed by a contra dance for which another live band played (another of my groups). Since there were two bands, a dance, a slide show, and a potluck, it was well attended. I thought the only thing to do was to send him off in style, and since he was cremated I had the luxury of time to plan all of that. The event was held two months after his death. I am still thinking about writing an obituary... And when will he end up in the ground? After my sister decides to have a relationship with me again, since it my dad wanted to be placed in the same grave as my sister in the town where my older sister lives. Who knows when that might be...

[Mom's angel]

Andrew, parent's death at any age is hard but losing them at a young age robs you off of many beautiful moments and occasions.

My mom was 42 when she died and I'm 21. 

Daughter described everything perfectly in her post. Our Expectations from friends and family member do increases in such hard times and most of the time they fails to meet our needs. Talking to people going through the same especially of around your age helps.