Gentle With Ourselves

[Margm]

Marty, my reading comprehension has lapsed into a few lines at a time.  Well, I printed this out.  Before I printed it out though, I saved parts of it to a document I named "Security."  In reading this, in comprehending it, I find I am not a very secure person.  I do not think I ever was.  Was it my mother's fairy tales, my magical, mystical imagination, or was it not ever facing death.  My dad died.  They had me on so much medication (I was fighting cancer) that Billy and Scott literally carried me under each arm.  I was not crying.  I was not feeling anything.  

Having stared death in the face twice, and escaping, I thought my life was secure.  I was "feeling" secure.

Billy left me.  My feeling secure was gone.  I actually at one time thought we would get in that RV and outrun death.  Sure, it was said jokingly, but I had beat it twice.  I did not figure in my real security dying.  WE were going to outrun death.  

I understand what Paul Dunion was saying.  But his "being secure" strikes fear in my heart.  My "feeling secure" is just that unicorn standing outside my door.  His "being secure" means I have to accept everything that is happening.  Being secure is accepting my death as a natural occurrence, which of course it is.  I just have a hard time accepting Billy's death.  "Making peace with suffering."  Where is my unicorn now?  This is part of "being secure."  

Sometimes I can accept Peter Pan's choosing to never grow up to the way life really is.  

There are things going on in my life right now that I could play semantics all day with. I have family needing help every step I take.  "Feeling Billy?"  He was here, I am him, he is me, I cannot even talk to him anymore.  It is like the TV show where the spirit fulfills what life left out and then it goes to the light.  Billy has gone to the light.  Maybe it scares me to think that he is standing beside me.  Looking at the full moon makes me cry.  Why?  

And then the poem I wrote in trying to face my own death, too much truth in the reality of it.  "I'm not that important, life does go on, if I wasn't here then I'd be gone."

Marty, I read it all, I comprehended it, believe it or not, and right now I am going to take something  that just makes me "feel secure" not really "being secure."  

I want call you by name, but everyone of us needs to read the "being secure" part called "Making Peace with Suffering."  

[mittam99]

Marg, each of our journeys is different, Just like our fingerprints, the "fingerprints" of our lives make us all unique. When I posted that I don't understand what you mean by "I don't feel Billy". That's exactly what I meant. I want to understand. Family cares about family and if you're a good family member, you want to understand others in your family, if possible. And I care about you, my sweet, wordy Southern friend. If my asking you about that upset you in some way, that certainly was never my intent.

I try to never tell anyone how they should feel or how to go about life. I share my experience of losing Tammy who was my everything and now living in my world completely alone and without love. I post in hopes that others who see my story will look at their own situation and see that there is some hope for a future that's filled with less pain.

I truly believe that all of us here is suffering the pain of not just losing a companion, a lover, a confidant, a best friend... we lost our soul mate... physically. But I also truly believe that all of us still have that person inside us. They walk inside us with each step we take. Their heart beats with each beat of ours. And they breath with every breath we take. This is how I feel. Others may not see it that way and I certainly understand that.

I am a very empathetic person. I hurt when I see all the pain I'm surrounded with here at the forum. Sometimes posts are hard to read because the emotions stated are so raw and so deep.  But, at this point in my journey, I'm here for one main reason. To try to help others and give them hope. For me, that's an important mission. It gives me a small sense of purpose. And I know for sure, Tammy would be so proud of me.

[Margm]

2 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Marge, Billy was turning off the air and leaving just the fan to run most likely for that helps melt the ice built up in the coils. This is often a result in humid air but can happen any time. Something that can be done from the thermostat in the house. Just saying. Yeah, somebody yelled attack and there we stood with an arrow in our back! Right?

Oh Steve and Mitch, I have to find my magical, mystical imagination again.  Life was so much easier to live when I had it.  Steve, you could be right.  Billy's urn is closest to the thermostat.  So much of my life is flat-lined now.  Heck, with my congenital tremor I even get loops in a flat line.  If I can do it physically, faith ought to bring back the feelings I had at first and lost.  I miss them. The first couple of months I felt him beside me once and he kissed my forehead.  When too much family moved in, I awoke with him saying "it's enough."  I miss him.

[Margm]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

Thanks everyone on your input.  I wish I was alone in this sometimes because the thought of so many of you feeling so bad breaks my heart.  They say strength in numbers, but this is something we wouldn't wish on anyone.  And then, if one was alone feeling these things, it would be impossible to maintain ANY perspective.  Now there is a odd word to use.  

 

I have been on here all morning, I may have answered this.  But, like we say to all the newcomers "Welcome to the club no one wanted to join."  I do believe in strength in numbers.  We don't all feel the same way on the same day or minute, but eventually, we all feel the same way.  Reminds me of Billy's big yellow exercise ball (I have to get rid of), it bounces okay, but sometimes the bounce is not so high.  That is with all of us.  We bounce, just not so high anymore.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Family cares about family and if you're a good family member, you want to understand others in your family, if possible. And I care about you, my sweet, wordy Southern friend. If my asking you about that upset you in some way, that certainly was never my intent.

Mitch, how do I explain this?  I believe that if I can get through with this ever incessant trying to move and then someone needs me urgently in the other state, if I can just finish (which is what I should be doing this morning), then I will reassociate with my faith.  You see, somewhere along the way my faith has been put aside somewhere.  I can say I am too busy, I am never alone, but I could have used a moment of faith that one night in the apartment.  No fear, no apprehension, just a dead spirit in myself.  Billy cannot associate with a spirit that is dead.  So many do not agree with or understand the meaning of faith.  This is what Billy quoted to me when I thought God had left me when I had cancer, undergoing horrendous tests (before CT and MRI's and PET scans).  I cried and told him I needed to go get me a drink from the bar at the motel we were staying at.  I did not drink, cannot hold my liquor, but I had to have something.  This is what Billy said, (who used to be a student for the Methodist ministry).

How think ye?  If a man have an hundred sheep and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine and goeth into the mountains and seek that which  is gone astray?"  Matthew 18:12.

That was my answer.  My faith returned.  I read what Billy quoted and I think the wolf might have eaten the one that went astray.  If I live long enough, I will find it again, and I will find my Billy.  Mitch, right now my heart is hard.  My only explanation.

And Mitch, my sweet friend, your asking can do nothing but help me, never harm me.  

[Patty65]

On 6/21/2016 at 10:18 AM, Gwenivere said:

 

Speaking of spoons, keys in the freezer, ice cream where the keys go, etc......

 

OK Gwen, You made me laugh.  Especially today, that is something.  My staff laughs at me daily, by the end of the day I'm a wreck and when I'm trying to leave I end up going back for something after walking out the door EVERY day.  I'm definitely the guy in that cartoon.  How many days (almost all of them) I come home to a refrigerator I left open. At least there's nothing really in there anymore, since I've already eaten the take out that made me open it the night before.

Tomorrow is 4 months.  Yesterday I got a massage that one of our investors bought for me and I made the appointment.  What was I thinking????  A puddle of tears gathered on the floor through the little hole for your face in the massage table, and the night was worse, and this morning worse than that. UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  I'm so glad you guys are here.

 

[KATPILOT]

Still a nice thought to have given you that gift. Sorry it had side effects. I know it's not easy to find comfort at four months Patty.  We hope you feel better tomorrow.

If it makes anyone feel better, early in my grief I couldn't find my car keys to  leave one day. I even looked in the fridge. I had to call my son to come back to work and give me a ride home. The next morning I drove to work in Kathy's car and unlocked the store to go in. As I did I looked at my own car parked in front of the front door. In the door of the car hanging were my keys that I had used to go out and get something out of the day before and simply left the keys in the door lock. Yes they hung there overnight and no one stole the vehicle even with the sign that said "Steal me please, my owner has no brain".  I'm better now, honest.

[Margm]

4 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

I'm better now, honest.

Steve, glasses go in one place, keys stay in left pocket (I wear deep pocket pants), phone goes in right pocket.  On bedside table at night.  I have made a mistake or two and when I do my mind goes insane because I know I won't be able to find them and I cry every time.  Real anxiety if I forget to put them where they belong.  

[KATPILOT]

 Funny Marge! I guess that's why we use checklists in airplanes and why I never landed gear up.

[mittam99]

I misplaced my keys a few months ago. I was leaving to go to work and they were nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere including in the fridge, just like you Steve. I called work and explained the situation and called out that day. Then, it dawned on me. The afternoon before I brought groceries in the house. I was convinced I left the keys in the front door. And someone stole them. My car keys gone. House key gone. Mailbox key gone. All because of my grief laden, fog filled mind.

So, I got out the Yellow Pages and sat down at the kitchen table to search for reputable locksmiths. I went to open the kitchen blinds to let some light in and something odd caught my eye. What was that behind the napkin holder? You guessed it. My keys!

Pheww...

It was a relief but at the same time I realized that deep grief and getting older is recipe for absent-mindedness.

I need reminder notes to find my reminder notes!

 

[kayc]

I'm glad Patty quoted Gwen, I'd totally missed that because I was focused on the cartoon and didn't see the writing above.