Need to let this out!

[scba]

Stephen, I agree with regards to music. I try to attend a concert of classical music each time I can. Music is beautiful, I think paradise is full of it, music cannot be touch, only felt, music is like their spirits. I feel close to my boyfriend when I watch a violin play, when the orchestra play. Never paid attention before, to music I mean....now it is my time with him in the concert hall. 

[Gin]

I am not ready for music, yet.  Al and I went to lots of concerts and he loved his mandolin.  Too many reminders! 

[Margm]

They put a video of Billy on FB riding in a boat and talking.  He needed a haircut and I always cut his hair.  He also needed one at the end.  Tore me up.  What gives comfort to some people does not always fit the other person.  My sister talking about what to watch for on my mom's last minutes from hospice care worker and making it all alive again and I cannot numb down.  I'm sorry, I don't want to be there.  It is not an honor to do this.  Just cannot do it. What kind of thinking do you have to just want to get it over with.  I am one screwed up person right now.  I wonder if things are easier on young people than on older people.  I cannot think this is easy on anyone and I go into my word salads. 

[iPraiseHim]

Marg, I think most of us here are screwed up anyway.  Grief does that to us.  What you are facing is another punch in the face of living/death and all of it's uncertainty.  There are no easy answers just a loving place like here that we can express our crazy for other to see, share, pray, and come alongside to let you know we hear and care.  You are doing the best you can to hold on and hang on the same as the rest of us.  Only your fiery trial is front and center in your life as well as your grief for Billy.  Sometimes life just sucks and blows chucks.  (((Hugs)))  Shalom

[scba]

Marg, I'm in the young cluster and things are hard too, different challenges for sure, but grief and missing and pain are the same. 

[Margm]

I know Ana.  Age does not make it easier or worse. Thank you George.  I just let it all hang out and everyone understands.  I appreciate it.  I think my sister finally understood too.  When the wound is opened, I still bleed pretty much.  I wish I could get comfort from pictures, hearing  his voice, music, but it just makes me bleed more.  I don't want to live to be 95, and I don't think I have to worry about it.  So many have lost loved ones grouped together.  I wonder if Billy had known how bad it hurts would he have said "the one left must stay."  But you know, you really do have to stay until you don't.

My mama did not take much to make her happy.  She was a farm girl and her life was the soil and growing things.  She kept everyone in the neighborhood supplied and managed to can things before she got a freezer and after that, she just blanched and froze all her garden.  Never a lazy bone in that woman's body.  If she had not broken her hip and was slowed down the last years before the Alzheimer's, she would have been one they would have the Silver alerts for.  Now her mind won't be still.  Her mind never would slow down, and I guess she made the best of everything, even mental illness.  She could not help being the way she was, but she would never have been in this position if she had had any control the last few years.   

[Patty65]

On 7/28/2016 at 4:32 PM, Marg M said:

What kind of thinking do you have to just want to get it over with.

A grieving, broken hearted, can't-take-any-more, honoring yourself and your pain kind of thinking, ((((((Marg))))))

If the thoughts we hear in our head are not kind and loving, they are from fear and pain, and we should try not to take them to (our) hearts.  That's what I'm told, even though I'm horrible at doing it.  I keep trying.

We're all with you. 

Patty

[KATPILOT]

Wow Patty!  You've got that right.

And yes keep trying.