Promises to keep

[Margm]

I really hate starting new topics, but I do it anyhow.  This morning my mood is down, but somehow or other, that is nothing new.  I doubt if any of us will ever have that happy mood we had when there were two of us, instead of just this one.  I think they say in a song "One is the loneliest number."  It is.  

I was given the "deed" to two burial plots.  They had been offered twice before by my uncle.  My uncle is an honorable man.  He has raised a very honorable family.  No duds in his family, all successful.  He is our family's patriarch I guess as he is the "last man standing."  

Lots of times I want to just give up.  I have been told, in anger, that I should have been the one who died.  The truth of that is, I agree.  But, that is not how it happened.  "The one left must live."  I did not want those burial plots.  Dead people live in those things.  

I have managed to dole out all my money.  I have some coming in each month which is more than I need to live on.  Billy took care of me, as I would have taken care of him if he had been the first to go.  I have actually three grown people that are very needy.  Two of them don't ask, but if I see the need, I have to help.  It is what we (Billy and myself) have always done.  Now though, I have to put money back in that savings to take care of final care.  I started yesterday by turning down a ridiculous request, and I managed to do it without a natural disaster happening.  

Some of us are not as young as the rest of you.  But still, we have promises to keep and miles to go before we sleep.  Do you know, I saw Robert Frost on TV at John Kennedy's inauguration, two years before he completed his promises.  So see, we all have things we have to live for, 

[kayc]

55 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 I have been told, in anger, that I should have been the one who died.  

I don't know who told you that or when, but it is a horrible thing to say to someone!  I hope it's not the same person that comes to you for help all the time.

I hope right now you can think of YOU and take care of YOU, yes, like Billy would have.

[Margm]

Yes Kay, it is the same person, so even though it does hurt, I do have to consider the source.  

[Patty65]

i think i wish i had more promises to keep.  might be easier to hold on.

[Margm]

Patty, my promise is to Billy, to put up a monument that when I go, we can live in the same box.  My kids can keep his urn, which was expensive.  They have to put the cremains 24-25 inches down.  Or at least in this cemetery or Louisiana or the USA or somewhere.  Gotta try to live that long anyhow.  I might have to find a monument company that will let me "lay away" because if folks think I have money in savings, you would not believe what emergencies come up.  

[Gin]

Marg,

i told my daughter that when I am gone, I get cremated.   Then SHE has to mix mine and Al's ashes together.  Where then, I do not know.  Just together.  She did not like it, but I told her she has to, or get someone to do it.

Gin

[Margm]

If my son is still around, and hopefully he will be, he will mix us and put us at the monument.  If I know him, he will slip out there at night and dig a hole and pour us into it.  Now, aren't we upbeat happy people.  I don't know about you Gin, but I did not know how old I was till Billy left.  Your daughter will do that for you.  

[scba]

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

.  I doubt if any of us will ever have that happy mood we had when there were two of us, instead of just this one.  I think they say in a song "One is the loneliest number."  It is.  

I know my heart will be forever broken. Maybe My stage of acceptance is to acknowledge this. Soon I will arrive to the 3 years mark. I cannot understand how and why I made it to 3y. My BF had a chronic disease. Grief is my chronic disease. He lived 31 years with his disease  I'm just in number 3.

I'm crazy, I know. 

[Margm]

We all have the chronic disease of grief.  And as far as being crazy, that is the only fun I have left so I spread it all around.  People forgive me.  

[iPraiseHim]

Marg M,

Hurting people hurt people.  Consider the source.  It makes me angry to hear people say that to you but people are folks.

You need to take care of yourself and your needs first. I have been listening to and following Dave Ramsey's Baby Steps and in three years time I have paid off all debt except for my home.  My next goal is to save 3-6 months (living expenses) "rainy day" fund for emergencies.  We all know that sooner or later IT WILL RAIN. The financial peace I have from following the baby steps are immense. He has a lot of free information, websites, apps, etc...  It has really helped me through this troubling time.   

We each need to care for ourselves as well as we took care of our loved one.  This is before take care of other family emergencies.

No one needs to know your finances.   -Shalom

[Margm]

They all know my finances, mail was opened.  I  have a private mailbox with a key now.  Before that everyone's mail came to my mailbox on the road at the house.  The biggest problem I have had for years, and Billy too, was telling anyone of our family "no."  I think self preservation has just set in though and I might have to learn that word.  

Thanks George.  I do have to consider mental conditions and know when it is said the next day they will be so sorry.  I put up with my mama for nearly 3/4ths of a century, not much longer. My mom's gone, but her DNA still lives.  Maybe if I am Billy and he is me I will inherit the "family jewels."  Nah, he was as big a wuz as I am.

[kevin]

I was given a Formula a long time ago when it comes to finances.....Unfortunately ,I didn't always follow it, but it did give me guidance......Don't spend more than you make, only borrow for an appreciating asset, and don't always be Santa Claus..........I've enabled my Children the same as most of us, but at our time in life, I live by the Formula more than ever..............now there is Entitlement.....on and on

[rdownes]

So sorry such a hurtful thing was said to you but yes you have to think about where it came from people with mental issues say alot of things they truly don't mean, I know Kevin was the king of angry words at times but I know he truly felt bad I think that is one of the things that kept us together my ability to overlook things that were the disease not him, at least you started saying no good for you, right now you have to think about you first and people need to accept that, that is a huge problem for me I always have come last your Billy would want you to come first.

[Margm]

(Sometimes I share too much, I'm sorry)

I do have semi-good sense.  I just like to gripe a lot.  Probably won't quit that.  Billy is gone.  Poor Billy.  Yep, I used to gripe to him all the time.  He was hard of hearing though so he only heard part of it and really, did not care to hear that.  He escaped.  

You know I did tell you that everybody around these parts were kin.  I once accused Billy of being my half brother or first cousin.  That would answer some questions.  But he lived in the south of the parish.  I lived in the north.  Hmmmmm

[kayc]

My kids never ask for help, they're pretty independent and self-sufficient, even though tight.  Marg, so glad you're learning to say NO!  And I'm glad your mailbox has a key now too!  I spend more than I make simply because I'm holding off filing for soc. sec. until I'm 65 and don't have enough coming in to live on so am using savings to supplement, but it's all budgeted and I'm making it even if super tight!  It will be better once I have soc. sec. coming in.   

Marg, you're so right about self-preservation has to be first!

[Margm]

Your kids learned to do for themselves.  That is the way it is supposed to be.  Billy and I were enablers.  I have said that over and over.  Nothing I can do now but fight for my own sanity (not much to fight for), but things will go okay.  Won't be the last attack, but without Billy to back me up I might learn to walk away.  Gotta get my granddaughter a life.  I think we were dys-dys-dysfunctional family. I miss Billy so much but maybe one thing that has to happen is I have to learn to be my own person.  After all, I went from Mama and Daddy to Billy.  I at least had a job for 43 years, so I am not totally without a back bone.  Gotta learn how to be on my own. You don't know how moving into my own apartment was such a huge step for me.   

[kayc]

I think it's easy to respond to our kids in lieu of how our parents responded to us...in other words, if our parents weren't there for us, we missed that, so we try to really be there for our kids, we don't always do it in the right way.

I helped my daughter when she first got out on her own (cosigning, rescuing, etc.) but my circumstances changed and by then I'd gotten stuck for her bills a time or two and saw the damage done to her apt. by one of her cats (and I'd cosigned on it!).  One day she calls me up at work and wants me to cosign on another place and I had to tell her no.  She sounded shocked!  She got off the phone real quick and afterwards, I cried.  I remember telling my boss it was easier when my kids were little like his kids, but dealing with a young adult is a whole other thing!  Well my daughter managed to get into her place without my help and she's never asked for help since then.  My son was always self sufficient, although I let him use my place as a home base for years as he was in the service, figuring out what he wanted to do with his life, and then attending college.  The day he bought his own place I knew it was going to change, and that was hard for me.  I liked having him come home, he was easy to live with and would pop in and out, I enjoyed that.  Ahh but life moves on!

[kevin]

KayC.....that word co-sign brings back shivers....Almost another Entitlement assumption. I have a 45 year old step daughter who nonchalantly declared that all we have to do is cosign so they can get this new house.....I almost dropped, I explained the reason she needs a cosigner is because she doesn't pay her bills....Cosigning for an 18 year olds first loan I support, but after that I will only lend small amounts providing its always paid back......

[kayc]

My daughter was 18 when I co-signed for her and I understand that, they need that while they're building their credit, but beyond that it's up to them to figure it out.  And if you've been stuck with one of their bills, they should make it right with you!

[iPraiseHim]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

My daughter was 18 when I co-signed for her and I understand that, they need that while they're building their credit, but beyond that it's up to them to figure it out.  And if you've been stuck with one of their bills, they should make it right with you!

My Dad co-signed for my sister to help her buy a car.  when she decided to get married and move overseas with he hubby, then my Dad was left with having to pay off the car.  He did get to use the car.

I have been listening to and following the Dave Ramsey Show. It's free on the internet, iTunes, iHear Radio. etc.  he teaches baby steps on how to get out of debt and stay out of debt. 

I have been following his simple plan for about three years and have managed on my low income to pay off all of my debt except for my home mortgage.

His plan is simple yet life changing. I was taught that i needed to build up credit to be able to buy a home.  That is not true.

What would always put me in dept were all of the emergencies we have in life.

1) NEVER co-sign on a loan.  you will owe the money when who ever defaults.

2) Save up $1,000. Emergency fund. Most people don't even have that.  It took me a long time to save that up.  If you put $20 a week into a savings account you will have over $1,000 in one year.

3) BUDGET.  Plan how you are going to spend your income before the month begins.  the EVERYDOLLAR app is free for everyone to use.

Use Envelopes and pay CASH for everything.  You can FEEL it when you spend it.

 I am working on saving up 3-6 months of my monthly LIVING expenses as an EMERGENCY Fund.  There is such freedom in having this.

Then my Goals are 15% into retirement and the rest to pay off my mortgage so I can live in my home.

Think about every interest payment you are paying someone else takes money from your best wealth building asset, your INCOME. 

I hope these suggestions will help. - Shalom

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

I used to have a book by Larry Burkett on getting out of debt, it was really quite simple.  I totally believe in budgeting!  I learned when I was young not to co-sign (the hard way...a BIL's car we got stuck paying off, only we didn't get the car, it was hauled off by the cops for non-payment of tickets).  I also pay cash for groceries/gas.  I totally believe in saving for a rainy day...one thing is guaranteed, rainy days will come!

[Widowedbysuicide]

17 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

My Dad co-signed for my sister to help her buy a car.  when she decided to get married and move overseas with he hubby, then my Dad was left with having to pay off the car.  He did get to use the car.

I have been listening to and following the Dave Ramsey Show. It's free on the internet, iTunes, iHear Radio. etc.  he teaches baby steps on how to get out of debt and stay out of debt. 

I have been following his simple plan for about three years and have managed on my low income to pay off all of my debt except for my home mortgage.

His plan is simple yet life changing. I was taught that i needed to build up credit to be able to buy a home.  That is not true.

What would always put me in dept were all of the emergencies we have in life.

1) NEVER co-sign on a loan.  you will owe the money when who ever defaults.

2) Save up $1,000. Emergency fund. Most people don't even have that.  It took me a long time to save that up.  If you put $20 a week into a savings account you will have over $1,000 in one year.

3) BUDGET.  Plan how you are going to spend your income before the month begins.  the EVERYDOLLAR app is free for everyone to use.

Use Envelopes and pay CASH for everything.  You can FEEL it when you spend it.

 I am working on saving up 3-6 months of my monthly LIVING expenses as an EMERGENCY Fund.  There is such freedom in having this.

Then my Goals are 15% into retirement and the rest to pay off my mortgage so I can live in my home.

Think about every interest payment you are paying someone else takes money from your best wealth building asset, your INCOME. 

I hope these suggestions will help. - Shalom

 

 

 

 

I am thrilled with these suggestions.  I must copy and paste then post it on my front not door, inside of course.  

Thank you George.

[iPraiseHim]

The information comes from listening to and following Dave Ramsey's plan to get out of and stay out of debt.  I wish I learned it early in life but late is better than never.  his Book Total Money Makeover can be checked out of the library or bought on sale. I listen to his podcast/radio show every day and the Debt Free screams motivate me.

The first step, to save $1,000 for a beginner Emergency Fund seemed impossible to me.  I make near the poverty level of income and we were deep in debt and I couldn't see a way to do.  Then I started by saving $5/ week into a separate account.  I figured it would take me four years to save up $1,000.  Then I moved it up to $10/ week and then $20/ week.  I picked up additional work and saved every thing and was able to reach the goal in less than six months. I have had to tap into it for emergencies like car repairs, a/c repair, etc.. but it felt so good to have it there when it "Rained".  I just put the money back until it is back up to $1,000.  I started paying cash for everything and it really does make me realize how much I was spending unconsciously.   It helps to hear about other people who are making it.

The idea of paying cast for a car. (A Beater) $1,000 and saving up another $1,000 so you can upgrade to a $2,000 car. In this way you can invest in yourself instead of paying interest to the loan companies, banks, etc...  

Some people even are able to pay off the home and/or put 100% down and have a paid for home.

100% of paid for homes are NEVER foreclosed. Now your Mortgage/Rent can go to fund retirement, savings, etc...

Things to ponder...  Shalom   

[Widowedbysuicide]

I will certainly be sharing this information with my son.  He is young enough to get it started and make a huge difference for himself in the long run.

[kayc]

My son has been one that has lived this way and he was able to graduate from college with engineering degrees in computer, electrical, and mechanical DEBT FREE without help from anyone!  He bought a Nissan Xterra from a flood sale (it was filled with mud) and spent a month or two taking it completely apart and cleaning each part, carpet, seats, engine, etc. and putting it back together.  He drove it his first year of college, then sold it and bought a mobile home in his college town.  He gutted it out and replaced walls, plumbing, flooring, windows, painted it, planted flowers, etc.  He rented the spare bedrooms out and the renters literally paid his living expenses and books while he was going to college.  When he graduated he already had a contract working for Garmin, sold his mobile home, put it down on his new home.  He told his wife before they married he'd never buy a new car, he could always buy a car and fix it up, and he does.  His cousin's sports car broke down and he offered it to Paul...Paul drove up to WA and hauled it back on his trailer and he fixed it up and sold it...that's what he bought his wife's engagement and wedding rings with.  He's always lived like that.  He has a strict budget set up to pay the mortgage, taxes, IRA, living expenses.  If he wants to do something extra, like when he wanted to buy a new wood stove for his house, he took on a weekend remodeling job at his in-laws, and used that money to pay for the new wood stove, which he installed himself in his home, even getting a tax credit back on half the cost.  I don't see him ever being in a bad place financially.
I may not have his abilities, but I have learned to pay cash when I go out and it's budgeted so I don't overspend.  I think like George said, you're more aware of what you're spending when you do it that way.