blee Posted September 9, 2016 Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 My husband passed away August 15th, 2016. Brad had Endocarditis and fought for 20 days. Brad was 46 years old and a wonderful man. My husband was a great husband, best friend and father. We were married for 17 years and together for 25 years. I have been having ups and downs and so lost at times. Please give me some positive feedback. Thanks 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 9, 2016 Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 Let me start by saying I feel for you and your loss I lost my Kevin on May 17,2016 he was 47 we were together 26 years let me start by saying you will have ups and downs you will have days you wanna tear your heart out, you will have days when you feel you are doing ok only to be knocked down again and you will definitely feel lost at times but what keeps me going is hope. Hope that I can live on with my Kevin in my heart and by my side in spirit. It took me along time to get to where I am and while my journey has just begun I am finally finding a desire to want out of this darkness not move on or get over but be able to live with some sense of happiness my Kevin loved me unconditionally and I was blessed to have found that and am thankful for the time I did have though when it first happened I wasn't very thankful just angry. This is your journey and you will find your way that is good for you it just takes baby steps to get there this community is full of amazing people who understand and will always listen I am sorry you have to be here but glad you found it my heart goes out to you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted September 9, 2016 Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 It is good that you found the courage and strength to get here blee. Welcome to a safe and caring community. I too am sorry for why you found us but glad you did. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blee Posted September 9, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 Thanks So much. I know time will heal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 9, 2016 Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 blee, I'm sorry you also lost your husband, mine was barely 51 when he died, but we'd met later in life so didn't get nearly long enough, but I guess there is no such thing. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted September 9, 2016 Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 I'm so sorry that you've lost the love of your life. This is the hardest thing any of us can experience. My lovely wife Tammy died unexpectedly 3 months short of her 46th birthday last March. The ups and downs you mentioned will be part of your life. Grief has what I like to call the grief dance. It changes, but you take a step forward and then two back or two forward and one back. It's just how this seems to work. You asked for positive feedback, so here goes... You're very early in your journey. Matter of fact my first post here was at a time that I didn't think I could go on. How could it? I just lost my wife, my best friend, my lover, my companion, my everything. I simply felt lost and alone and uttery devastated. Gradually, and with help from members here and from within, I started to try to live again. It's a different life and some days are still rough but I'm trying my best. Just take it one day at a time and cherish that love you shared with your Brad. It won't be easy but you will see the darkness turn to light in time. Mitch 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blee Posted September 9, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 Thanks so much Mitch and Kayc. Everytime iI have a down moment i remember that m y husband is in peace and feeling no pain. I know I have to face the grief or I will not heal. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 9, 2016 Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 You are so right they are not in pain anymore dare I say better place a place with no pain, anger or hurt though those of us left behind miss them so much we forget that and just want them back to ease our pain, and you are right we have to feel everything in order to be able to go on with our life and it can be so hard sometimes but I know we can all find our sense of peace in our own way at our own time. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 9, 2016 Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 You are right Kaycee no matter how long we were with our soulmates it could never be enough time because we love them down to our souls we just need to be grateful to of found them and thankful for the time we were granted 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted September 9, 2016 Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 You have that right. When you have found the one, no time could ever have been enough. Had I known Kathy for but a month I would have felt the same for I knew the moment I met her that she was "the one". And, what do you do next once you've known perfection? 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianna Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 I'm new here & I've had a horrible day. It's 3 months to the day since I saw the carnage my SO left behind when he passed by suicide & I found out all these lies today & I feel even crazier than I did before because I am so angry. How can you be angry them? How did this happen? I'm so confused. I feel so alone. I pray this blog can help me feel less alone, less crazy. I've lost family to suicide but it's never left me this shattered. Please help. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Brianna, no words can fully express how sorry I am that you lost your significant other to suicide. I lost my wife Tammy suddenly on March 6, 2015 and it felt like my life ended too. This place will help, it's helped me immensely. By the way you're not crazy... you're grieving the loss of your man and the loss of the world as you knew it. It's normal to feel confused, to feel anger and to ask ... why??... It's important for you to let these emotions happen, don't try to repress things. You need to get it out and the reason this forum is so amazing is that all of us understand the whirlwind of feelings you're experiencing. Now that you've made your first post, please continue to post as you need to. We're here to help. We're in this together. Mitch 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Brianna, My heart is sad for all you have gone through. Sudden death is hard enough to deal with. There will be more people here to help you. Please know that all of these feelings are normal. I was in Shock and angry my wife died. I loved my wife dearly but she was not perfect and had her character flaws along with me. Loneliness is common because you are now separated from the one you love. Just allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Please take care of yourself, eat, sleep, and come here often to share the feelings swimming around your head. This is a safe and caring place to be. (((hugs))) - Shalom 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianna Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Thank you Mitch & George, I appreciate your support so much. ((hugs)) I don't have many to turn to with these feelings. That can understand anyway & anger is a hard one for me. I haven't been angry yet. Sad, bewildered, hopeless, depressed even, but not angry. I even lived in denial for a few weeks. But it's so hard to be angry with him. I love him so much & I just want to hug & kiss him & scream at him all at the same time. We were both imperfect people but these were big lies, foundation lies & now what do I do with them? I can't even talk to him so he can explain himself. I guess it's just another why in the stack of why's that's just growing & growing like black mold in my soul. I'm so grateful that I found this place & to finally be able to have a group of supportive people to chat with who truly understand. Especially when I am up all night afraid of sleeping because the nightmares always come for me. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Brianna I can only echo the words you are hearing from our community. Glad you found your way here and yes we are open 24/7. That is especially important when the demons keep you awake. This is a horrible time and I'm sorry it has to hurt this bad. I wish it wasn't so. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Brianna,I feel you pain and understand. I lost my husband of 26 years on May 17, 2016 what you are going through is not easy and it is a long road with ups and downs but it is the price of love, when I first came to this community I could not see that all I could do was was be angry at the world , feel nothing but sadness and lost. The people here are amazing they care about one another and share their pain in hopes of helping a fellow griever find a way to reach some sort of peace. My Kevin did not die from suicide but he had bipolar and on more than one occasion he did attempt it he almost succeeded in my living room he flat lined but was revived so to some extent I know how you feel and lies I can relate to my husband had a pain killer problem due to self medicating I was lied to one a day basis but I also knew he loved me unconditionally and he was my soulmate no one is perfect try not to dwell on the stuff you can do nothing about anymore hold on to his love and your love for him. I know my love for Kevin and his love for me has got me past many hard days and nights. This is your journey and you will find your way in your own time and at your own pace just take it slowly baby steps if needed know you are never alone he is with you in spirit and we are always here for you. Robin 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianna Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Thank you so much Katpilot & Robin, thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad I finally have a place where people understand me & my grief. It's such a blessing. I will hold on to the good times & try my best to not let the bad get me so down but know that everything he did was to protect me or Us & that it's okay to be angry, just not to stay stuck in that anger but to process it. It's my only saving grace if I don't want to stay stuck in this. I know of our love I just have to remember it when stuff like this happens since he is no longer here to remind me how much he loves me. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Brianna, So very sorry you lost your SO to suicide. I am so glad you have found this forum to help you on your grief journey. I lost my beloved Al 11 months ago. My previous husband took his life 23 years ago. I hope you can find a counsellor and grief group specific to suicide, as I did then (SOS, survivors of suicide). All deaths of SOs bring the same horrible loneliness and pain. I hope you post and read often. We will be there for you. Gin 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 6 hours ago, Brianna said: I know of our love I just have to remember it when stuff like this happens since he is no longer here to remind me how much he loves me. Brianna, one thing I've learned (and it took me a while to figure it out) is that yes, of course they're physically gone, and sure he can't talk to you, but... In a way he will always "be there" to remind you of his love. That's something you carry within. He's in your heart and he's in your soul. When you love someone deeply, that intense connection, that bond, doesn't disappear just because they've died. It will live on as long as you are here. Early on in my grief, I was completely and utterly devastated and lost. I didn't want to live without my Tammy. Didn't know how I could survive without her. I constantly cried to the heavens and asked, why? Why, did this have to happen? It took me a while to come to grips with that because it's a question with no definitive answer. This will all take time. For now, just take it moment by moment. One thing that may help is to talk about your guy and your story and the love you shared. I know for me, talking to others here about Tammy has helped me in many ways. I wish you comfort and peace. (((Hugs))) Mitch 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 9 hours ago, rdownes said: I know how you feel and lies I can relate to my husband had a pain killer problem due to self medicating I was lied to one a day basis but I also knew he loved me unconditionally and he was my soulmate no one is perfect try not to dwell on the stuff you can do nothing about anymore hold on to his love and your love for him. Brianna, I, too, can relate. My husband confessed to me three weeks before he died that he'd been using meth (his boss gave it to him) to keep up at work. Little did he realize the reason he was having a hard time with the frantic work pace was because he had five blocked arteries...he died of a heart attack. While I appreciate that he came to me of his own volition and told me, I figured out lies after his death, it took a while...because with drug use comes lies, they go hand in hand. Like Robin, I also know he loved me more than anything in the world and this was a sickness/addiction, but he was trying. I also discovered, after his death, that he'd called an in-house rehab place (he was getting out patient treatment). It meant a lot to me to know that he was trying. It is hard to discover things after their death that you can't confront them with and ask them about. But it helps to know that while no one is perfect, they can still be perfect for us, if only they hadn't died so we could still be working on it! I know that I love him more than anything in the world and he loved me unconditionally too, and we are soul mates. Suicide is complicated, and my heart goes out to you. Please keep coming here. If you do a search for suicide you can find others that have been through it. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianna Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Ya'll's support means so much to me & your kind words are overwhelming. In RL nobody understands. It's not a figurative alone, I am truly alone in this, everyone wants me to move on & forget about it & just be B already, but I can't. I have good days but they usually turn bad real fast with a song or something so simple. Then with the latest news I feel like it's going to be even harder to get understanding. I love him & I can't just stop doing that for anything. Thank you Gin, I go to a Grief group once a week & a counselor but I still feel stuck & I don't know if it's me or if I'm just being hurried in my process. Mitch, I do get signs from him all the time reminding me of his love & then I get feelings but I just wish he was here to tell me when I have that forgetting feeling but I guess that's what the signs are for... ::sigh:: I'm a cookey who believes in butterflies & dragonflies & birds & other signs that our loved ones can send us. Call me crazy but its happened to me too many times when I needed it for me not to, not just after my SO passed but also after I had family pass. It helped me get thru that period of not wanting to be alive without him early in my grief. Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot right now. Kayc, Thank you so much & thank you for more places on here to look, being new here it's kinda like being new to a big city from a small town. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Brianna it is your right to grieve. You will never forget about it or get over it but you will learn to live with it and find your way, no one has the right to rush you not even someone who has been through it because we are all different and our losses are ours no one else's. I love signs from Kevin it brings me such comfort I was at the beach on day with my daughter and grandson and a butterfly flew right over my head. Have had other signs mostly butterflies they truly are a blessing. Hugs 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianna Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Robin thank you, I've had a dragonfly follow me around for 3 days & one night I came home & it flew into my sunroof & flew into my ear & then landed on my shoulder like he was whispering in my ear & telling me I love you & I got you. That's just one of thousands of signs I've gotten from him over the past 3 months. I feel so blessed sometimes. I'm so grateful for those signs, they get me by when I feel like I cannot possibly go on. Today I had our favorite butterflies land on my knee & just sit there looking at me & I just talked to it like I would him, telling it how I missed him & wished he was here to talk to & if it wasnt him to please take the message to heaven. Thank you for being here to listen. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 8 hours ago, Brianna said: Robin thank you, I've had a dragonfly follow me around for 3 days & one night I came home & it flew into my sunroof & flew into my ear & then landed on my shoulder like he was whispering in my ear & telling me I love you & I got you. That's just one of thousands of signs I've gotten from him over the past 3 months. I feel so blessed sometimes. I'm so grateful for those signs, they get me by when I feel like I cannot possibly go on. Today I had our favorite butterflies land on my knee & just sit there looking at me & I just talked to it like I would him, telling it how I missed him & wished he was here to talk to & if it wasn't him to please take the message to heaven. Thank you for being here to listen. Dragonflies are one of my favorite signs, too. My wife sat and petted a dragonfly with her finger nails and the dragonfly stayed for a long time. I petted my first dragonfly last month. They seem to hover around me at certain homes where I work. They are a comforting sign for me. - Shalom 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Brianna that was truly a sign an amazing one he is truly still with you, We need to be here for each other sometimes no one else understands our pain and loss you will always be heard and understood here. Hugs Robin 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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